This post is a little different from my usual ones. This time you get to see a little window into my warped little mind, more specifically, the sorts of thoughts, fantasies and ideas that swirl around my brain and which distract me from time to time. So here, in no particular order, are some of the things that i spend idle moments daydreaming about;
  • Experiencing life as a woman, not becoming one but being able to experience a month or a year as one. This is something i have wanted to experience ever since i was a teenager (that and the ability to read people's minds!). At school i always wanted to know what it would be like to be one of the girls and that feeling has never left me. It is not powerful enough for me to want to actually become one but that fascination with women and what it must be like to experience life as one has never left me. i am very lucky in that Owner does allow me to explore my femininity. But i would love to magically become a woman for a month or so, and it would have to be at least a month to get the full menstrual experience. i think i would be a very slutty girl!
  • Spending the rest of my life locked in permanent chastity and with no ability to ever have the device removed. Now you can tell this is a fantasy rather than a practical idea for many reasons. Firstly, Owner does like to have me out of chastity from time to time so that She can tease and play with my 'clit'. My being in chastity, and i have probably spent as much of our 14 years together locked up as not locked, was originally my suggestion to Her. Owner agrees that it has helped with my development but She does not enforce it on a mandatory basis.  She does like to have me unlocked for periods as well. Practically i also have to remove the device periodically to clean it and shave my 'clit' or swap it for a plastic one (it's metal) when flying. The device that i am locked in is a super small size metal device. Ideally, i would love an even smaller device.
  • The smell and taste of Owner, especially Her delicious anus and urine! i cannot even begin to say how much i love both the taste and smell of both. Just thinking about it makes me uncomfortable 'down there'. My idea of heaven is when Owner straddles me and lowers Her bottom onto my eager waiting tongue. If i were to ever die with Her smothering me like that they would bury me with a grin on my face!
  • Travel and travelling. i love to travel and would happily go anywhere. Owner is more selective as She is not tolerant of heat and dislikes the idea of going to places that require vaccines. OK so nobody actually likes to be vaccinated but i wouldn't not go somewhere for that reason, but Owner would. We both spend a lot of time thinking about and planning where to go next.
  • Wearing very revealing outfits in public. In case you have not noticed i am an exhibitionist. i have been from a very young age (i used to sneak out the house and streak down our street age about 11). i love the idea of walking around wearing hyper revealing and not very appropriate outfits in public places. It excites me but also terrifies me a little as well, though the terror fades. i have a whole panoply of ideas, situations, outfits etc that swim around inside my head. When we visit somewhere for the first time you can pretty much guarantee that one thought going through my head is along the lines of, 'hmmm where would be a good spot to be photographed in just my bra and panties?' Of course, that is the other aspect of my exhibitionism. i love to be photographed - though am not always good at doing the 'smile for the camera' thing! i am also conscious that i need to increase my range of 'poses'. i have recently taking to trying to study how professional models stand, pose and carry themselves etc and trying to remember to include some of the positions they use when Owner is photographing me.
  • Extreme body modification/plastic surgery. i am always impressed when i see someone, say on the tube or in the street, who has taken body enhancement to an extreme. Say they have enormous over-sized lips or a huge chest. The sort of enhancement that you cannot disguise or which people might not overly notice. i am talking about the 'in your face/no disguising' type of enhancement. i think i almost admire the person more than what they have had done, that they still have the self-confidence to go out and about quite happily knowing that everyone else will be looking at them, talking about them, judging them. i wonder what it would be like to suddenly acquire enormous great lips or huge great breasts or a giant inflated backside and see how people around you react to you. i admire those that have done it and, in idle moments, wonder whether i would ever have the same courage/self-confidence.
  • Clothes and shopping for clothes. i used to hate shopping but ever since i started to wear only women's clothes my attitude to clothes and shopping has undergone a complete transformation. i love going shopping with Owner and love to look at all the clothes and imagine what they might look like on me and wonder whether Owner might permit me to purchase something? i also take much more interest in what women wear than i ever once did and will regularly be making mental notes about outfits that i have seen which i would love to wear myself. So for any ladies reading this who would like their husband or boyfriend to take more interest in clothes and shopping the answer is simple. Have him dress en femme. 
  • Working somewhere that i have to wear a short skirt, frilly knickers and stockings and suspenders with heels as part of my uniform. i would love a job that required me to dress quite sluttily every day, especially if it was a public facing role, say as a waitress or in a bar where i had to dress like that in front of total strangers. i imagine Owner observing me as i moved amongst the customers. It is a lovely thought but is a million miles from the job i actually do...sigh.
  • Cocks, specifically really big cocks. i find 95% of men unattractive (there are some exceptions - David Beckham for example) but for the most part i find men unattractive. Cocks, however, i do like. Not my own, no. Actually i don't even think about that as qualifying as one these days, in fact i don't really think about that at all anymore. No, i mean really big, thick ones. These i do fantasise about. Nice big clean shaven cocks, with pendulous testicles and a big fat head. i imagine draining them of their loads, my face slick with warm semen. i do like the taste of cum, Owner used to have me eat up my own in the days when i was allowed to orgasm. It is the one thing that i miss most about being kept in denial. So big cocks ejaculating in my general direction is another fantasy of mine.
Talking of my own cock, or 'clit' to give it's proper name, it never features in my fantasies....ever. i never daydream of having penetrative sex nor fantasise about it. Owner has not permitted my clit to enter Her pussy in almost ten years. Neither do i ever fantasise about receiving blow jobs. i have never had one in my life and have no desire or interest in having one. i fantasise about oral sex quite often and always have, but never, ever as the recipient.

So there you have it, these are some of the things that rattle around inside my head and some of the things that definitely do not.

Incidentally, in case you were wondering Owner and i are planning to do the Hideri Kanzaki photoshoot this coming weekend so we will keep you updated and hopefully post some pictures soon after. Also, tomorrow i get to roll the chastity device again (it being the 11th day of the month). Lets see if i stay locked for another month or not.
Today Owner and i went on our first ever run together in our local park. Neither of us are runners, i last ran when i used to be in the Territorial Army in my 20s (yes that is actually true - i was a heavy machine gunner). However, Owner decided that She would like to give it a try and so She downloaded a super useful app promoted on the National Health Service (NHS) called 'couch to 5k'.

So this  morning we set off for our inaugural run/jog/walk (all three were involved at different points). The programme has a great track record in non-runners to a point where you are able to easily run 5,000m. i am pleased to say that we successfully completed the first stage of our training together - now we just have to keep it up and keep going a bit further in stages. Hopefully this will prove a useful addition to my normal exercise regimen and i am also just so pleased that i can actually run at all. There was a period a few years ago after i experienced major back problems when i could not physically run 5m let alone 5,000m.

This is how we looked having got back home after completing our first run
And yes, i did run in chastity, with make-up and sports bra....obviously :)

Owner and i have just returned form a lovely little trip to Geneva in Switzerland. The weather was glorious with clear views across to Mont Blanc. We had a lovely relaxing time. During our brief visit we took a boat trip out on the lake, enjoyed craft beers and fine food, ate chocolate and wandered around the old town and the Botanical Garden. Geneva was everything i imagined it might be, clean and pretty.
By Lake Geneva
with the famous water fountain in background
in the botanical garden
But the city also threw-up a few surprises as well. Take the area around the train station which still has an active red light district with many street prostitutes working (not a common sight these days). The prostitutes were all wearing vertiginous high-heeled boots but had all taken the sensible option of sitting on chairs outside rather than standing. i don't blame them as those heels must be killers. i joked to Owner that if ever we fell on hard times Geneva train station would be a spot i could come to to try and earn our keep.

Whilst we were there Owner gifted me the treat of enjoying Her delicious anus with my tongue whilst She pleasured Herself with Her vibrator. She also rubbed Her sex against my caged little clit and generally teased and tormented me before leaving me frustrated, aroused and horny after She'd had Her full. Needless to say Her teasing led to a bit of leakage on my part, albeit not as much as a that i experienced about a week ago.

On that occasion Owner briefly released my caged clit and teased and caressed it repeatedly before eventually stopping. i didn't cum but my clit leaked quite copiously, much to my embarrassment.

We are still living in chaos at home as our kitchen works have still not been completed. Both of us have now lost our patience over this and are just desperate to get the work finished so we can fully reclaim our little flat and live undisturbed by builders and disruption again.
So today marks the 300th day i have spent in denial. It has been excactly 300 days (about 10 months) since i last had an orgasm. It has been quite a journey of discovery and one that i am hugely grateful to Owner for enabling me to experience. As i write i have no idea whether or not it might last another 300 days more. It could, it could end tomorrow, only Owner knows the answer. Personally, i love my new permanently chaste state.
the view between my legs
This does not mean i have been locked up in chastity throughout this period. Readers will know Owner has a chastity dice that decides whether or not i get to be locked up or not. There have been short periods on this journey that i have been unlocked but for the most part my clit has been safely secured away. The next chastity dice roll will take place on the 11th November.An orgasm in chastity is not impossible and has happened a number of times before. However, this year Owner has taken precautions to ensure that i never become too excited and thus She has been able to tease and torment me and have me pleasure Her without risking an orgasm for me.

i am so grateful for having the opportunity to be kept in long-term denial like this, It has long been a fantasy of mine and now it has come true. i truly hope to be kept like this for many months, perhaps years, to come. What i adore the most though is the knowledge that ultimately i have no say in the matter. Owner could choose to have me come now or keep me like this until i die. The control is all Hers. That is what i love the most.

This has also been a good weekend for other reasons. Yesterday Owner and i joined my mum, aunt, my sister and my nephew marching through the streets of Central London with hundreds of thousands of others protesting that we want to stay in the European Union. We gathered in Parliament square in the rain at the end of the march to watch a crucial vote in the House of Commons and were delighted when MPs' voted to deny the Prime Minister the right to remove the country from the EU without his agreement being subject to proper Parliamentary scrutiny. Poor Boris was enraged (ha, ha) but MPs were simply doing there job. The delay buys some more time to try and see if Brexit can be halted or reversed. Perhaps it can't but we will keep trying and protesting until the end.
protestors on the march

In other matters, you might recall that we have builders in doing our kitchen. The work was supposed to have been completed last week. It is still not finished. Neither Owner nor i are amused at all by this, in fact we are both fuming.
Owner and i are just back from a lovely overnight stay at the Bermondsey Square Hotel. This is a hotel we have stayed at a few ties before, principally on account of the fact that the rooftop suite we like to stay in has an outdoor jacuzzi/hot-tub with great views over London. So yesterday afternoon and then again after dinner Owner and i were to be found floating about in a tub outside in the rain. It was wonderful and we repeated the experience after breakfast, albeit this time without the rain.

In between stints in the tub Owner took me out to a lovely Argentinian restaurant called Constancia for dinner last night where i got to enjoy the delights of Bife de Chorizo - it was delicious. The hotel stay and meal were both to mark the fifteenth anniversary of the night when Owner first kissed me and our relationship went from purely platonic to, well the start of where we are today.

Here are a couple of pictures of us in the rooftop jacuzzi

me in my bikini
Owner and i
Owner also took this picture of me snuggled up at Her feet whilst She was watching TV in bed. i think it is quite cute
This morning, after returning to the jacuzzi one last time, there was time for a very quick photoshoot in the hotel. Unfortunately, i seem to have forgotten to smile even though i was enjoying myself immensely



All in all, it was a wonderful anniversary treat and i had a wonderful time. How lucky i am!

Sometimes it is the little moments in life that tell you a lot about a person. Today was one such moment. Quite early this morning the doorbell rang with a delivery. i skipped excitedly downstairs (i was working from home) and opened the door. The delivery man had a large flat box for me. On seeing the box i was immediately really excited. My new dress or my new shoes or the wig Owner had ordered for me? Surely it must be one of those?

i took the box (which was surprisingly heavy for it size), signed for it then bounced back upstairs to open it. To my disappointment it was not the outfit Owner had ordered for me, nor was it the matching shoes or the wig She has bought me. No. It was a kitchen tap. We are in the midst of having a new kitchen installed and the delivery was a tap for the kitchen sink. Useful but oh so disappointing compared to what i had hoped it might be.

i messaged Owner to relay the tale. She thought it hilarious and that it neatly sums me up. Oh well, the dress, shoes and wig will come one day.
Today marks the fifteenth anniversary of when Owner first kissed me. It was in the middle of Charing Cross station and it marked the moment when we moved from being 'just friends' to a more intimate relationship. Owner had tired of waiting for me to make a move (i am actually quite shy in that regard) and so grabbed me and kissed me passionately. That kiss eventually to Her moving in with me, me submitting to Her, Owner taking full control over my life and eventually us getting married and me becoming Her wife. That first kiss is an event we celebrate every year and this year is no exception.

To mark the occasion this year Owner took me out for drinks and a meal last night and announced that Her present to me is to take the form of a Japanese cosplay outfit for me to wear and Her to photograph me in. The outfit Owner has chosen is a super appropriate one. It is the character Hideri Kanzaki from the Japanese anime Blend S.  You can see a picture of the character below

Hideri is actually a male character. He is a cross-dresser who wants to hide his masculine side and appear very feminine. He loves to look cute but who is also very vain. Owner thinks it is the perfect character for me and so is buying me the Hideri Kanzaki outfit as Her anniversary gift to me.

i think it is the perfect present to receive from Owner. i absolutely adore these types of outfits and have always wanted to have one and be able to prance and pose in it. The fact that i will be wearing one that relates to a character who is actually a boy but who aspires to be a girl makes Owners' choice even more inspired. i know there are cafes in Japan where the staff wear outfits very similar to the one in the illustration - it is a fantasy of mine to be able work in such a place. Owner also thinks it would be the perfect job for me.

The anime itself is a really interesting one. It too is set in a cafe and includes a sadist waitress, a submissive manager and a host of other interesting characters. There is even one called 'Owner' - though this is a dog. Anyway, i cannot wait to dress-up in character.

My present to Owner is a return visit to one of Her favourite London hotels' complete with private rooftop hot tub. We are going next weekend and i cannot wait to spend the evening relaxing in our swimsuits together. i think we might really need a break by then as next week we are having a new kitchen installed and so we have days of builders and general chaos to look forward to, not! Still it will be worth it when we have a new kitchen in which i can prepare Owner's meals.
Owner has a number of principles that inform Her approach to Her domination and control over me. One of these is that Her time is important to Her and that She expects Her control over me to help free up time for Her to spend how She likes, not add additional demands on Her time. To that end She looks for ways to increase and maintain Her control over me which do not require significant additional effort on Her part. In many sub/Dom relationships the dominant partner can often spend a lot of time focused on the desires of their sub. This can be time the dominant enjoys spending and Owner enjoys times like this too. However, She also expects my serving Her should free up time for Herself and not create additional burdens for Her.

One way this manifests itself is in the use of the dice for deciding punishments or challenges etc that i need to undertake. Once Owner has come up with an initial set of ideas to load the dice with She can then relax and let chance decide what i will need to do rather than Her having to think of something all the time. Periodically, the dice are updated and loaded with new instructions of Her devising but they are essentially a sort of time and labour saving device that provide me with the discipline, consequences or challenges that i need and crave whilst ensuring Owner gets to spend as much time as She likes doing other things.

Another principle that informs Owner's approach is that a 24/7 Femdom life needs to be practical and fun.She is not a sadist nor i a masochist. She will inflict pain and discomfort but does not seek to 'break' me, though whether She perhaps should is another matter (i write rather nervously knowing that Owner will review this post before it is published). Owner also likes to keep things light-hearted and fun. We do not do 'sessions', we live and act as we do 24/7 and i don't think either of us could sustain for very long a very hardcore and intense Dom/sub relationship. Though i submit completely to Owner and She controls pretty much all aspects of my life outside of work i am not Her slave and neither has She ever asked me to become her slave. She teases me that i am fluffy and could not handle life as a real slave but i equally think it is not what She would ever want Herself either. She absolutely is in control but that control is not enforced with an iron rod.

So time-saving (for Owner) and fun are both important facets of our relationship and these tend to be reflected in the ways that Owner exercises Her control over me. If Owner is annoyed with an aspect of my behaviour She will make Her feelings quite clear verbally and admonish me, only rarely will She actually physically punish me. In the meantime, the dice are used to keep me on my toes, break down some of my remaining inhibitions, practice my skills, increase my pain tolerance and discourage me from working away from home as much as possible.

With that in mind, here are some examples of more recent dice-determined things i have had to do recently
eating my dinner whilst blindfolded - incidentally i eat all my meals from this dog bowl
washing-up naked except for a pair of hold-ups and my furry butt-plug
The video below shows me self-administering one of the more 'uncomfortable' dice punishments - beating my 'plums' with Owner's favourite leather paddle

With Owner not having been very well and then having the stress of interviews i had fallen behind in receiving some of the punishments i had accrued. i was due a number of outstanding punishments as a consequence of having gone into the office a few times this past week rather than working from home as Owner expects. Today was an opportunity to catch-up on a few of these punishments.

As usual for such punishments the precise nature had been determined by the roll of Owners' 'office working dice'. i had accrued two sets of 100 spankings from Owner's favourite leather paddle - nicknamed 'gatuno' as it is cat shaped. The third punishment consisted of being tied up whilst watching a TV episode with Owner.

Owner started the day with the tying-up punishment. Here i am early in the morning tied-up on the sofa in my nightie, dressing-gown and slippers.
 The day ended with me receiving 200 spanks on my bottom from Owner's favourite leather paddle.
There are two further such working away from home punishments still to catch-up with. One is cooking wearing just stockings and my furry-tailed butt plug and the second is eating dinner blind-folded. i will be completing both tomorrow.
This has been that rarest of things, an unequivocally good week. Our Prime Minister was rightly found to have broken the law by the Supreme Court (and let's just take a moment to admire the wonderful Lady Hale, president of that court). And impeachment proceedings have kicked off against US President Trump.

The past few years have, in many ways, been quite shit, but this as definitely been a good week. To add to the mood of general celebration Owner has also got a new job. She has not liked Her current job and these past few years have been a struggle for Her. A combination of physical ailments and hormonal changes (it's that time of life for us both) have all too often left her quite low and doubting Her own abilities.

This the offer of a new (and very good) job is a welcome development.

Today we headed out to a theatre and then for some drinks. It was wonderful to be able to just spend some time together. It has been a good week.

in the pub with Owner