Of Sex and Identity and Owner and me

WARNING - this is an unusually (for me) long post - i hope it doesn't bore you.

A comment made by the very lovely Mistress Marie who, together with Her slave David, runs the blog Mistress Marie and Her Slave! prompted this blog entry by me. In Her blog Mistress Marie mentions this blog and that She wasn't sure how to refer to me i.e. did i prefer to be referred to as She or as He? An innocuous question you might think but one which got me thinking and reflecting. What, why and who am i?

Owner usually refers to me using Her nickname for me (petty) or as 'wife' or sometimes as 'slut' or 'whore' except with family in which case She uses my actual name. However, when on occasion She needs to use either He or She to describe me i.e. when She is updating my development progress report for example, She will use he to describe me. i, on the other hand, will always refer to myself when texting/writing to Owner as 'she' or as Her 'wife'/'slut' etc. Owner, of course, is always 'Owner' except in company when i use Her actual name.

Owner and i discussed our different uses of gender descriptors for me i.e. he/she a few years back and are both happy and comfortable for me to be referred to as he by Owner and she by me. One of the truly wonderful and amazing things about Owner is how She has accepted and, indeed, helped develop my femininity over the years. When we first met we met we met as two very vanilla people and only when we began to date did i open up to Her about who the 'real' me actually was/felt. However, that version of the real me was a very different person to the one i am today.

From childhood i was always fascinated by women and always harboured a fantasy of wanting to experience what life was like as a woman. However, unlike transgender people i never actually wanted to change from being a boy/man to becoming a woman but rather was fascinated with the idea of being able to experience what life was like as a woman on a temporary basis - i.e. in a way that then also allowed me to return back to the gender i was born as i.e. a male. i loved the idea of returning enriched from having experienced life temporarily from a woman's perspective.

As a teenager i would sometimes sneakily 'dress-up' in some of my mum's clothing and when there was a fancy dress day at school or college my 'go to' outfit was always a dress.  i also 'enjoyed' discovering adult magazines - but i  never actually fantasised about having sex with the models posing on the page. Instead my thoughts were always a mixture of wondering what it would be like to be them and a desire to orally pleasure them.

As i got older, lost my virginity, had a number of girlfriends, experimented a little a few things remained constant. My fascination with women remained as strong as ever. i always (and still do) far preferred the company of women to that of men. Incidentally, Owner is the opposite. i was fascinated by how they looked and moved, what life was like for them. i also came to realise that what i sexually enjoyed doing most was bringing pleasure to my partner, specifically orally. i found penetrative sex to be disappointing and the act often brought back memories of sexual inadequacy - i have a small penis, a fact that was once memorably highlighted loudly and publicly during my last year at college to my friends by an older girl. This alongside the fact that i had failed to 'rise to the occasion' with Her during my first failed attempt at losing my virginity. Of course my friends ensured my performance, or lack of, was the talk of the college the next day and from that day on until i left for university i went by the nickname 'floppy'.

This quite public humiliation reinforced an equally powerful yet erotic earlier memory from childhood. This happened when, aged about 10 or 11, i had been chased across a field by a couple of female class mates, pinned down by them and stripped. Nothing further happened (we were all very young after all) but the memory of being forced to submit remained with me and had a powerful impact upon me later in life, fusing with my desire sexually to please and my exhibitionist streak.

As well as losing my virginity i also discovered that i actually didn't enjoy, and never have since, receiving blowjobs - i know, how odd, man doesn't like being fellated! But it's true. i do, however, love and adore oral sex, but for me all the pleasure is in the giving not the receiving. Later in my twenties i began to wonder whether i might in fact be gay or at the least bisexual? Some opportunities came my way (pardon the pun) to find out. I concluded that i wasn't gay but whether or not i am bisexual depends on your definition. Do i find men attractive? do i enjoy their company? - in 99% of cases my answer to both these questions would be no. Has the idea of a relationship with a man ever been remotely appealing to me, absolutely not. However, do i like large cocks? Did i enjoy being fucked? Absolutely. Fast forward to today and one of the things i love having the opportunity to do is to worship and then get fucked hard by Owners unnaturally large, vibrating 'cock'.

Thus it was that i spent the remainder of my twenties and through into my thirties (by which point i'd got married) with a sense of feeling somehow sexually different and unfulfilled. There remained as well a continued interest in and fascination with what life as a woman was like - together with a very small secret collection of lingerie. There was also something else - something that at that point remained locked inside my head, namely, a growing awareness of and curiosity about S&M and Femdom.

The end of my marriage and then the start of, what first began as a friendship and then, a relationship with Owner presented an opportunity to try to both be honest and find out more about who i. Owner had taken the initiative to move us from friends to lovers (i have always been extremely shy when it comes to 'making a move'), i quickly realised that She was someone very special, unique in fact, and that i should/could share my inner monologue with Her. So i wrote Her a long letter. In the letter i outlined my, by then, growing interest in S&M and Femdom and of submitting to Her and the feminine side to my character and my interest in exploring that. i also outlined my developing interest in chastity. It was the most important letter i ever wrote. The way my life has developed can almost be characterised as the person i was before and the person i have been becoming ever since.

i should point out at this point that neither Owner nor i had any real experience with any of this. i had things in my head, stuff i'd read but that was basically it. We both became quite avid readers of any books we could find on the subject i.e. Elise Sutton's works - although realised none seemed to quite fit us. We also looked out for blogs etc that might offer advice, such as that of the excellent Mistress 160's blog (no longer maintained). All of these and many more greatly helped, guided and inspired us. If i was to say just one thing to any new couple trying out/interested in developing a Femdom/FLR relationship it would be to talk, read, absorb but use that knowledge and information to find what works for you, don't just copy what works for others - we're all unique and what works for some won't for others and vice-versa. But, i digress. Back to Owner and i.

To begin with my interest in femininity was something that Owner and i largely kept at home. i dressed up and was dressed up by Her. However, Owner had also begun to realise i liked being embarrassed/humiliated and with this developed Her own interest in exploring ways/ideas to embarrass or humiliate me in public and began to set me challenges as we tend to call them. Through these Owner began pushing me to reveal my femininity in public. It began gently. Wearing the odd female item of clothing in public, being told to go out wearing some eye shadow or handed a bag in a restaurant and told to go and apply/put on the contents and return to the table. i can still recall how mortified i felt during some of these challenges.

However, i also soon began to relax, to realise that the sky hadn't actually fallen in on my head when i did these things, in fact that in a city like London (where we live) nobody actually really batted an eyelid. i became more comfortable and what had begun as a form of 'forced feminisation' developed over the years to where i am today - happy and comfortable wearing make-up and women's clothing everyday. In fact the only times i now don't wear make-up and wear one of the few remaining items of 'male' clothing is when we are visiting certain (not all) family members. At all other times, whether at work, on holiday, wherever, being en femme is now my new normal. All of my clothing purchases have to be first approved by Owner, who Herself will often also buy me pretty pieces She has seen. Owner is happy with me dressing en femme, and equally enjoys making me look 'pretty' or 'slutty' as well. However, it is Owner who decides what is appropriate attire for me to wear each day and i need to check first with Her before getting dressed. Outdoors i basically still always just wear women's jeans/trousers/shorts or leggings matched with a blouse/top - except on very rare occasions when i wear a skirt - and my footwear rarely has much of a heel. As such, though my clothing may technically be entirely female (which 95% of my entire wardrobe now is) my overall outdoor look is probably more androgynous than female. That said i am delighted to have been given the opportunity to now spend my life in female clothes whilst Owner exercises and enforces Her judgement as to what is and is not appropriate for me to wear.

Now if Owner wishes to challenge/humiliate me as often as not it will involve me wearing little/no clothing or doing some other activity that makes me feel self-conscious, shy, embarrassed and, ideally, humiliated. What is different now compared to a few years ago is that what might have quite literally terrified me before (by way of a challenge) may no longer hold the same fear. i am more overtly feminine than i ever was and i have also become gradually more wanton and shameless. Though i have always had an exhibitionist streak (at aged about 10 i used to sneak out of our house at dawn and run naked up our street - i have no idea why) i am also still naturally nervous and shy,. Getting me to eventually become used to doing whatever Owner asks/says without hesitation or question and accepting that She expects Her wife to behave as an exhibitionist whore whenever and wherever She desires remains an ongoing work in progress.

However, returning to how i look and what i wear. i don't try to pass as being female. Owner met me as a man and although She has Herself helped encouraged, supported and embraced my femininity there are limits - both for Her and, if i am being honest with myself, for me too. For example, i am entirely clean shaven except for my arms. Owner likes my arms as they are and so as they are they will remain. i'd love to have no facial hair i.e. have it permanently removed. Owner though isn't bothered at all by my five o'clock shadow. Owner loves my smell/scent and so i am not perfumed. She likes the smell of a man. Neither of us want me to have breasts - though if i could i would love to have big, elongated, thick nipples with maybe little pubescent breasts. i am intrigued and curious about hormones and having/taking hormones to give me a slightly less male/slightly more female body shape and find it fascinating and wonderful how these have helped and transformed so many peoples lives. Equally though i know that, although i am intrigued by the thought, it is an idle one, a  fantasy. i am essentially happy with the body i have as it is. Owner certainly has no desire for me to physically change. Just to look 'pretty'.

Since meeting Owner i have developed a love of wearing jewellery after Owner bought me my first chain and necklace. i now wear two rings on my left hand, a bracelet on each wrist, 3 necklaces (one with a dog collar) and my Owners metal collar around my neck, i wear a belly chain with a charm around my waist, two ear-rings in my left ear and one in my right and finally both of my nipple piercings are connected by a chain with pendants. All of these are worn every day. i never, ever used to wear any jewellery at all. i now love wearing my jewellery and feel bereft without them. Owner occasionally remarks that they look over the top, but then She also sometimes buys me more :).

Filling in questionnaires that ask about your sex life always throw me. i think i have/we have an active sex life. However, technically, in the eight and a half years we've been together we've only probably had sex (of the me penetrating Owner variety) maybe 8-10 times, and certainly not at all for many years now. Yes we fuck, or to be precise, Owner fucks me. Owner enjoys fucking what She and i both happily describe as my pussy with Her strapon cock. In fact, one of the norms of our relationship is that sexual activity of any nature is only ever initiated by Owner and i am always to be sexually available for Her. Our sex lives physically consist of my orally pleasuring/worshipping Owners breasts, pussy or anus (a particular favourite for us both), my body (any part of) acting as something for Owner to masturbate Herself against i.e. a human sex toy, or Owner fucking or fisting my pussy, spanking/slapping what we also both describe as my clitty (penis) - which we both agree is tiny - or pulling and twisting my nipples (something which i often feel is massively overlooked as an extremely enjoyable sexual activity - for me at least). Occasionally Owner will also either masturbate my clitty Herself (on the occasions when it is unlocked i.e. not in chastity) , or instruct me to do so, and more rarely still permit me to cum and then lick up my mess afterwards. Though fleetingly pleasurable i still find orgasms to be ultimately disappointing and much prefer being kept denied, preferably aroused and denied.

Thus sexually i am very much the bottom and Owner very much the top. She likes to fuck my pussy and torment and play with my clitty and titties and i love nothing better than having the opportunity to pleasure and worship Her, especially Her derriere. However, what brings me most pleasure is watching/feeling/sensing Owner enjoying Her pleasure whilst my own (in the sense of climactic pleasure) is denied.

More recently, last Autumn i had the tremendous honour, pleasure and privilege of being accepted by Owner as Her wife.  Owner had begun training me for my new position just beforehand and She has continued my training since in order for me to become the ideal wife for Her. She has a long-term development plan and i am incrementally progressing down it. Over the years we have sought various ways to develop what is commonly referred to as a 24/7 Femdom relationship. We started with a contract with punishments and duties, then a revised one and though some have stuck and stayed constant throughout we never seemed to quite crack me. No matter how strong my desire to submit completely to Owner, to serve Her and be Her ideal partner and submissive it never quite worked as i fantasised. Therein lay the problem. The first couple of years i became frustrated that i wasn't able to just transition instantly (courtesy of a contract, rules and some punishments) from the person i was to the the happily devoted submissive i imagined being in my head. Equally, as Owner too began to grow and develop in Her confidence in Her own authority and dominance in our relationship She quite rightly began to develop a clearer view of the sort of submissive that She wanted. In essence my focus was wrong. i was thinking of submission in terms of things i liked or activities i wanted to engage in, mostly physical/sexual in nature or opportunities to indulge my own interests. It's not that Owner didn't have those too but She also had much more practical things in mind, like never having to cook unless She chooses to, or do any housework. Equally, She was also wanting someone who didn't just dress up in pretty clothes but who also learnt new skills/crafts that would be useful about the home or for Owner. Yes She wanted the slut and whore but also someone who would genuinely look after all Her needs, Her house and so forth.

i'd also finally come to realise the truth in the old cliche that Rome wasn't built in a day and to accept that fact. Change takes time and should be gradual if it is to get properly embedded as genuine change and a permanent behaviour modification as opposed to just a transitory alteration. And so Owner devised a new course for my development into the wife She wants. And the result? Well so far so good. i am the happiest and most content i have ever been and Owner seems to be happy with how our relationship is evolving as well. Owner has taken direct control over most areas of my life. She is now the arbiter of what i am or am not allowed to do. i am responsible for all cooking, cleaning, washing - in fact all aspects of housework to a standard set by Owner and to be maintained and adhered to by me. At home and outside of the home any activities that would require my involvement/participation are vetted by Her and require Owners consent before being undertaken/entered into. Only Owner can decide if i may have an alcoholic drink or not. Outside of work and my domestic duties my time is increasingly spent learning or practising new skills and crafts including Spanish, knitting, massage, manicures and pedicures that may be useful to Owner and ones She expects Her wife to become proficient in. Furthermore, Her and thus my expectation is that i not just become proficient in some skills/crafts but that i also continuously develop/acquire new skills regarded as useful and befitting of a wife by Owner. i am really enjoying the opportunity to learn new things this presents.

All the while i of course continue to be expected to be available and used when requested by Owner as Her personal slut and whore and, importantly, to learn how to better act and behave like one irrespective of location. Equally, that i look pretty and presentable to Owner at all times. In short, i am to become Owners ideal wife - a combination of housewife, slave and whore.

i began this post with the questions posed, what and who am i? What i have set out is an attempt to describe me, aspects of my past and who i am today, my relationship with Owner and how together we have both developed and evolved over time to where we are now. What i hope has come across is how i and we have both changed and developed and evolved over time. How some things from my past have shaped and continue to shape and influence me (my enjoyment of being humiliated for instance), some things have stayed constant (a sexual desire to please rather than be pleased), whereas others have grown and developed sometimes in directions i never would have imagined (i never would have dreamt that going to work wearing my collar, make-up, femme clothes etc would be nothing out of the ordinary).

Today i am the happiest i have ever been in my life. i delight in trying to be the best wife i can be for my Owner, whilst certain in the knowledge that i can, should and need to develop further. Where/how will i end up? i don't know and nor, i am certain, does Owner. All i do know is that who and where i am now has been shaped by my past, my genes (or lack of some!) and, most crucially by Owner. i am incredibly grateful to Owner for supporting and guiding me along the way, i genuinely would be a shadow of my current self were it not for Her. It's been a great ride and one that just keeps getting better.