Week In Review and Gender Thoughts

Well that was quite a roller coaster, first he was going to win big, then he wasn't, now it looks almost certain that win he will. i have to say that, as a non-American watching the drama unfold across the 'pond' has been somewhat alarming to observe. i never thought i would live to see the day when a President of the USA seemed happy to ignore the basic rules of democracy, namely that you have to actually count all the votes. However, as i write it now looks all but certain that Biden and Harris have won, so all is well that ends well.

Returning to matters domestic i am pleased to report that Owner continues to express Her happiness at my performance and behaviour. i completed all the tasks required of me this week and in return was the  happy recipient of 200 strokes of Her cane (one lot of 100 strokes and two lots of 50) and also spent some time cleaning with 20 mini clothes pegs attached to my clitty. Owner also permitted me to order some new stockings, which arrived at the end of the week. Oh, and i have now got a new mobile phone which Owner is setting up for me as i type, She is much more tech savvy than me. 

 

The first ever picture taken on my new phone - me first thing in my nightie and dressing gown

 

Owner also permitted me to order a lovely metallic pink/purple case for the new phone. It will look super cute.

Owner has also been busy this week. She has hit upon an idea of making a special advent calendar for me. She ordered the calendar (see image below) and has been busy all week working on the 'messages' that will be contained inside each of the envelopes. 

The advent calendar under construction

 

i can't wait and am most curious to find out what each day will reveal when i start to open the calendar next month. It is very exciting! It is also not long (nine days to be precise) until i get to roll the monthly dice again that decides what outdoor challenge i will be completing, which is always a nervous thrill.

Amidst all of this it has been a busy week at work, i presented at two conferences (online of course) and also ran a training workshop interspersed with meetings with Directors and colleagues - all whilst wearing a selection of blouses, my bra, skirts, the aforementioned stockings, knickers and bra and makeup. People at work have started adding pronouns to their email signatures which says whether they prefer to be referred to as 'he/him/his' or 'she/her/hers' - it got me thinking what mine would say?  i cannot claim to be 'her' but nor do i actually feel that i am fully a 'he'. i hate that all too often we are presented in life with binary choices when the reality is always far more complex and interesting. 

It is similar to questions that ask about your sexuality, are you heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual? Now Owner and i are in a very happy, loving and monogamous relationship (incidentally She knows that were She ever to meet someone else i would never leave Her but that is another story). Does that mean i am heterosexual? No, on two counts. First, and perhaps least obvious is that to me heterosexual carries with it an implicit assumption that (if you have male anatomy as i do) you desire penetrative sex with a woman. This could not be further from the truth for me. Owner and i enjoy great sex. It is always on Her terms, never involves my clit inside Her and i am perfectly happy with this, indeed i genuinely much prefer sex that way. Whenever i fantasise it is never, ever about me penetrating Owner (or anyone else for that matter)with my clit . In truth the act of penetration was always a stressful and worrying one for me full of anxiety and performance concerns on my part (and doubtless disappointment on the part of the other party). Now that it is off the table so to speak i find i enjoy sex much more. i  also much prefer to be denied permission to have an orgasm that to have one granted to me. Sure, the latter gives you the immediate guilty rush/high but the constant ache of extended denial is sooo much more rewarding and pleasurable. Take this week for example. i have felt quite horny all week and my nipples have been super aroused. i would very happily swap a whole year of feeling like that than a few seconds of orgasmic release. But i am digressing.

The more substantive reason (and more widely accepted one) why the term heterosexual really does not fit at all, is also because of the fact that, yes i have slept with men. But then bisexual really does not seem accurate either. As i said i have slept with men and yes i can sometimes find men attractive. However, it is an extremely rare event when i see a man that i actually find physically attractive and the idea of ever having a relationship with a man...god no, my heart shudders at the very thought.  i always prefer female to male company and always will. The only thing about men that ever interested me is the thing between their legs, the bigger the better.  99% of men i find repellent. So does that mean i am really bi or simply that i like cocks? i think the latter. So when Owner fucks me with Her 'cock' or has me suck it off i am in seventh heaven (although not as much as when my She is sitting on my face and my tongue is buried in Her delicious backside). In fact, the only thing about being denied orgasm that i miss is the taste of semen as Owner will invariably have me lick and swallow my own on the rare occasion when She does allow me to cum. i love the stuff. If someone was to open up a semen donation service i would be, if allowed, a very eager customer and would be happy to remain orgasm free for life.

So what category am i, other i suppose than a slut? i am not heterosexual, definitely not homosexual but also don't think of myself as being 'properly' bisexual. So what does that make me?  Of late i have been selecting the option 'other' and, if there is a box that allows you to enter your own description, have added 'gender fluid, submissive, exhibitionist slut and housewife'. i wonder what they make of that when they read it!

i would be  intrigued to know how other readers define themselves. i suspect many will say 'sissy' and i guess that in some ways i am one too. But it implies wanting to be sexually used by men whereas i simply like big cocks and cum not of the man that they come attached to. i am also beyond happy being Owners' wife and sharing my life with Her. i intend to grow old and die being Her wife. Were She ever to meet someone else i would still want to be with Her and She knows that. i do sometimes worry that She is somehow 'missing out' but She seems very happy and content with me, Her weird little wife (who gets weirder with every passing year) so i guess that means we are the perfect couple, whatever i may actually be!

Housewife Ambitions

For nearly a year now i have entertained a fantasy/ambition of becoming my Owners housewife. i say this for a number of reasons. Firstly, the world of work does not interest me, by this i do not mean that i am lazy (well ok a little!) but rather than i find the routine stifflingly dull and unrewarding. i have many and varied interests in life, some of which take-up a considerable amount of time but none of which is actually 'work' in the paid sense. The downside of these interests though is that i often find that the domestic duties that i should and need to organise, things like cooking, cleaning etc can interfere with and reduce the amount of time i spend with my Owner just the two of us enjoying each others company. i reason that if i had more time during the day by staying at home i could not only get these tasks properly completed and organised ready for when Owner returns home, but that i would also start to keep a much tidier flat as a consequence. i would also have more time to devote to the care of my Owner, and could even learn some new skills via day classes.

As you can tell from my profile picture i also like to wear women's clothing, something that my Owner encourages...infact the sluttier the better! i'll post more about this another time. The point here though is that for work i have to slip back into the clothes that society expects someone of my gender to wear at work - or at least they do in my job. i've wrested before with whether to describe myself as a TV. i'm still not convinced i am. Although i wear women's clothes and make-up i've never gone so far as to try to pass myself off as a woman. For example, although i like to keep myself mostly clean shaven, i don't shave my arms (though i do under my arms). i don't wear a wig or have a woman's hairstyle either. i also know that Owner prefers her pet to look feminised but not so feminised as to actually look like a woman. i sometimes wonder whether it is the views that i know Owner has that has stopped me taking my feminisation further. i did start to 'shape and pluck' my eyebrows about 8 months ago but Owner didn't seem to approve and so i desisted. Part of me is intrigued by the idea of taking my own feminisation further but i would never do so unless such a development were to be approved of and sanctioned by Owner - which i suspect is not that likely.

But i digress! This was supposed to be about why i aspire to be a housewife. Well the above is related because were i to be able to adopt such a role then concerns about what to wear 'at work' would no longer apply. i would be free to wear the clothes and outfits that i feel most comfortable and most myself in and which Owner either buys for me or gives me permission to purchase for myself.

i also feel strangely that, career-wise, i have achieved all that i set out to do back many years ago when i started. i can't see any way that i will progress further and am terrified of the prospect of just doing the same old thing for another 30ish years! God how dull! Owner, in contrast, continues to develop and grow in her job and with her skills. She often underates just how much talent she packs, but i feel sure that great opportunities still lie ahead of her should she wish to pursue them. Whereas, for me, work-wise i feel my own best is now behind me. i'm comfortable with this thought but not with the idea of still doing the same old thing. At home though i could develop further my own skills and interest in cooking, gardening, home care etc. i know this is a selfish thought and some might argue that i should be the one doing all the work and supporting my Owner, enabling her to have more free time to relax and enjoy life. i would love this too as time apart from her is horrible. But i know she also enjoys some (at least) aspects of her work. Freelance would be maybe be ideal.

Unfortunately, though the economics of one of us not working or earning something do not stack-up. So being a housewife will just have to remain a dream, albeit a pleasant, wistful one.