What is my Goal?

i love to hear from readers of this blog and try to respond to each and every comment that someone leaves. There are readers who comment on quite a regular basis and then there are others who suddenly pop-up with a question or thought. i recently received a comment that i thought warranted a more detailed response (in the form of a blog post). The comment received was as follows:

Hi I have been following your blog for a while. And now you have to sit under the table in your stockings makes me horny. Now I haven't read everything but I wonder what exactly is your goal. What drives you and where do you want to go. Do you want to become a woman. Or something else. Or are you indeed just a doll and is that your goal.

A great set of questions!

So, where to start? Well, i guess the first thing i would say is that my development depends on what Owner wants and desires, which is as it should be. She is very clear about certain things. For example, whilst She has been incredibly supportive of my feminisation, She has Her limits, which i respect. i can say with certainty, for example, that i will never be taking hormones or having breast augmentation done. Owner still wants me to have the body of a man, even if i do not dress, act or behave like one. My own view on this is irrelevant and academic. 

For what it is worth i have never personally wanted to become a woman, but equally i do not feel that i am really a man. i greatly enjoy being feminised and feel much more 'comfortable in my skin' as i am now than i ever did. However, i would never want to get rid of my penis even though i recognise that it is completely pointless and redundant [Edit from Owner - I think it is cute!] and serves no sexual purpose for Owner. i have been a 'Born Again Virgin' for well over a decade and expect to remain so for the rest of my life. But, i would not want to get rid of my 'clit'. 

i do, however, like having my clit caged in chastity (more so than Owner does who likes it unlocked at times so She can tease and abuse it). Were it possible i would like to shrink it to the size of a thumb nail - but keeping my plums as they are so that they can still easily be struck by Owner. This is something that i never imagined would be as pleasurable as it can be i.e. having my testicles struck hard, but i am guaranteed to orgasm if they get struck hard and repeatedly! Owner knows this but also knows when to stop, leaving me desperate and aroused.

Were Owner ever to have a complete change of view and suddenly put me on hormones or insist i had breast augmentation surgery then yes i would do so, though i am sure i would find it a real struggle. My main 'issue' would be other people's reactions. i find people who have had extreme body augmentation surgery quite inspiring. i admire their self-confidence and courage in going out in the world knowing everyone is staring at them. i cannot imagine ever having such confidence but part of me would love to know how it feels to be them, to have changed their physiques dramatically and have the self-belief to not really give a shit about what others may say or think about them. That is a state of mind that i would say is a goal of mine, to not care what others (Owner accepted of course) think of what i look like or what i do. i have made progress in that direction i think over the years in that i find the older i get the less bothered i am about what others might think of me. 

One goal that i do have, and which Owner has encouraged in me, is to be a slut and to be 'seen' by others as being one. i have been an exhibitionist from a very young age (pre-teens) but spent a long time trying to hide/smother it, just as i tried to hide my submissive nature. Owner has helped me to unlock and tap into these. One difference between Her and i is that She has no exhibitionist side to Her at all and is really very private. i am not. i love, want, almost have a need to show people who i am, what a slut i yearn to be, and make no real attempt to hide this side of me. i have a job and career which i am good at and which gives me quite a bit of job satisfaction (and no i am not going to say what i do) but a large part of me would really much rather be remembered and recognised as an eager slut who'd be prepared to do pretty much anything (which i am). 

i remember reading the book 'The Happy Hooker' by Xaviera Hollander in my very early teens. i am not a hooker or a sex worker but maybe it had more of an influence on me than i realised at the time. i think to be considered a slut or a whore is quite a compliment and i would be delighted if readers ever thought that of me. Maybe in another life i could come back as one 😊

Another goal if mine is to be controlled, absolutely, by Owner. This has been realised in so many ways that i could never before have imagined might be possible. i did not start off thinking like this. Had you told me, even quite recently, that i would, for example, look forward to being locked up, gagged and chained under a desk i would have been pretty skeptical. But i do, i now genuinely look forward to it every day. Equally, to be told that i would need permission to go out, to not have control of my own finances etc. All these i once could never have imagined and now cannot imagine life without.

One of the real joys of our relationship though is that Owner and i have no set or specific goals in mind. It has been a process of gradual development and evolution that has seen both of us discover aspects of ourselves that we might not have known we would enjoy/embrace in the way we have. Sometimes this has involved overcoming our own initial reluctance or my ability to tolerate things. For example, at first i found being caned or beaten to just be painful and unpleasant. Owner also worried that She was hurting me (which She was - but then that is the point) and so 'held back' from striking hard. However, since then things have moved on. My ability to tolerate pain is much improved and, for Her part, Owner now enjoys striking me and holds back much less than She did. i would like, ultimately, for my life to be completely controlled by Her but i know that practically that will not be possible until i retire (which is still a long way off sadly).

Anyway, i have rambled on far too long so i am going to bring this post to a close. But, i hope it has gone some small way to answering the question posed. If readers have other questions or things they would like me to write about please do not hesitate to say so, i will always do my best to answer if allowed to by Owner.

i leave you with some scenes from my week. We are away this weekend visiting my Dad and are traveling down tonight so Owner administered my weekly caning a day early

My bottom after my weekly caning

my nipples were also clamped whilst being caned - using my lovely new 'vicious' clamps

a close-up showing how 'vicious' these clamps truly are

Meanwhile earlier in the week i was instructed to do the housework whilst gagged and wearing Owner's worn panties on my head so that i was sniffing the gusset and inhaling Her wonderful scent

note: i still have my clit bells which i wear all the time, so i tinkle as i walk

At the start of the week i had to go to Cardiff overnight for work. As a 'punishment' for being away from home Owner required that i have my tits clamped when i went down for breakfast in the hotel. Her i am with clamps in situ and preparing to get dressed

Clamps securely in place ahead of breakfast at the hotel