Thoughts on Sex, Chastity, Denial and on Qualifying as a Born Again Virgin

In her interesting and thought provoking blog Mistress Scarlet maintains what is described as a Born Again Virgin (BAV) Register. i confess i had not come across the term before. To me references to 'born again' tend to make me immediately assume some sort of religious (or cult as Owner more accurately describes them) connotation and send me fleeing to the sanity of science and reason. Of course, in this context being 'born again' has nothing whatsoever to do with religion. Rather, it means submissive males who will 'never, ever again, for the rest of their lives, be allowed to penetrate a woman' as the description of the register defines the term. They have been returned to a virgin state, they have become 'Born Again Virgins'. 

i realise that this could very easily describe me. It has now been over ten years since i last penetrated Owner with my penis. i very much doubt that i will ever be allowed to do so again. For a while i was allowed to continue to pleasure (and penetrate) Her pussy with my tongue, but that too has changed.  In the past couple of years such an experience has become an increasingly distant memory.  My tongue is still allowed inside Owner, still welcomed by Her, but in one orifice only, Her anus. Just yesterday, for example, i was lucky enough to be be instructed to lick it out, to push my tongue as deep inside Her backside as it would go, whilst She concentrated on bringing Herself to orgasm with Her vibrator. This has become the only remaining way in which i am allowed to penetrate my Owner.

Since taking control of our, or should that more accurately read Her, sex life many years ago i have become Owners' sex toy. One of the first changes, aside from no longer being allowed to initiate sex with Her under any circumstances or orgasm without Her express permission, was that my penis was quickly made redundant. It became apparent from early on that Owner did not need it for Her own sexual pleasure. My efforts with it were a disappointment, just as they have been throughout my life. 

i have previously written about how i first developed performance anxieties as a teenager.  It was the first time i tried to have sex and it was a humiliating disaster. i was completely unable to 'get it up'. The (older) girl i was with then ran out of the room laughing and immediately broadcast the news of my failure to my friends, who were watching a film downstairs. The next day i was the talk of the college and had acquired a new nickname, 'floppy'. It stayed with me throughout my time there. i was mortified.

It was not until University that i eventually lost my virginity but quickly discovered sex to be a less than enjoyable experience. Not only did i have quite a small penis, it also did not seem to work properly. When it did perform it often got over excited and i would find myself apologising to my disappointed partner. No matter what i tried, including doing multiplications in my head to try and stop myself from ejaculating too soon, the result was usually always the same, a quick let down. This led to performance anxieties for the rest of my teens, throughout my twenties and into my thirties.

i attempted a new strategy which was to try and focus instead on orally pleasuring partners, male or female, rather than penetrating them.  It took attention and focus away from my all too unreliable and underwhelming penis and allowed me to instead focus my energies elsewhere. So keen, in fact, was i to avoid attention being paid to my penis that i must have been the only man to have actively discouraged any attention being paid to it, including from blow jobs. i had no desire to receive one and, to this day, have never had one and have no interest whatsoever in ever having one. i was perfectly happy to give someone else one but developed no interest in anyone popping my dicklet into their mouth. Thus, over time what i came to love and enjoy doing sexually had nothing at all to do with my penis and everything to do with my mouth.

Fast forward to Owner taking control and it was not at all surprising to me that She quickly concluded that She could happily live without my dicklet. She took to describing it as my 'clit', a term much more appropriate and befitting of it. Something that might be caressed and rubbed (in the days before chastity) but definitely not something that She needed or desired inside Her. She liked its small size and would, and still does, regularly describe is as being 'cute'. However, it began to perform less and less of sexual function of any kind. Within a few years it was relegated, first to a bit player before being sexually sidelined completely. As i wrote at the start of this post, it has now been over a decade since it last experienced the warm embrace of Owners' pussy. i very much doubt it ever will again. It is abundantly clear that Owner has no need of my clit for Her pleasure. Hence why i realise that i too am a 'born again virgin'

This does not mean though that i do not get to enjoy sex with Owner, quite the opposite. The absence of any penetrative role for my clit greatly enhanced my enjoyment of moments of sexual intimacy with Her. My clit is no longer a source of worry or concern. The performance anxieties that dogged me for almost twenty years before we met are now a dim and distant memory. It is no longer something i get anxious about or need to apologise for as it has simply become an irrelevance. i can relax and instead fully focus on Her and the experience She is gifting me. 

In a strange way the older i get the more i find myself grateful to the girl who humiliated me so much when i was seventeen. i doubt she realised what an impact she might have but her words and actions that night helped, along with a bunch of other stuff, to send me down the path that eventually culminated in my submission to Owner, of Her domination of me and the happiness and contentment i now experience. i understand now that my my clit is pointless and not needed.

Consequently, chastity to me is a most natural state. It reinforces the fact that my clit is irrelevant and physically removes it from the equation when it comes to sex. Locked up i am completely at ease with myself in a way that i never was before. i can focus on Owners' pleasure whilst enjoying the pleasure that She, in turn, permits me to experience. At first we started with 'standard' sized chastity devices but over time these have got smaller and smaller. This is partially due to the fact that smaller devices (as i have said before) are actually more comfortable. But there is also something else at play as well. The smaller the cage the more obviously pointless my clit is. To me it no longer serves any sexual function or purpose. The smaller the size the more obviously pointless it becomes. If i could physically shrink my clit to the size of my thumbnail i would, but i cannot. However, the cage does that for me. It cannot expand beyond that size no matter how aroused i might get. It is now physically so small as to be completely inconsequential, redundant.

The tiny size of the chastity cage means that all that remains on display (aside obviously from my pussy) are my testicles, otherwise known by Owner as my plums. These too are defective. One, the right one, never grew and remains small and almost pre-pubescent. As a teenager my mum kept asking me if it had developed yet and whether i ought to get it checked, it didn't and i never did. i doubt it functions at all, it certainly never seems to change shape or size. Only the left one is normal. It hangs lower and bulges big and tight when aroused then aches for hours, sometimes days afterwards when i have been left horny but denied. It is a lovely sensation that reminds me of my place and of my submission to Owner.

A few years into our new Femdom relationship Owner discovered that She could make me orgasm simply by beating my plums hard, especially repeatedly striking the bigger left one. Spanking them hard with Her hand, or with a wooden spoon or even a crop or cane is an incredibly uncomfortable experience at first. It is painful and i squirm like mad, often needing to be physically restrained. However, when struck this way over a sustained period of time something amazing happens. What started out as pure pain morphs into pleasure. An indescribably intense pleasure. If She continues to beat them the outcome is an orgasm quite unlike any other in intensity.  i am naturally, quite quiet in bed (Owner encourages me to be more vocal) but when i orgasm from being beaten this way i howl. i cannot think or act straight for hours. This is now about the only way i am ever allowed to orgasm, by having one beaten out of me. 

The downside though is that orgasms of any type have a negative affect on my submission to Owner, resulting in reductions in my general performance. i am not talking sexual performance but in the routine and daily chores i need and am rightly expected to undertake. In short, orgasms are not good for me. As a result, as time has passed Owner has noticeably reduced the number and frequency of orgasms She permits me to have and i really welcome this as i think it helps me to be a much better submissive and wife for Her.  Instead, She now seems to just to beat my plums a little, just enough to leave me aching and yearning for more but not too much that i might experience an overload of pleasure and orgasm. Instead, i am left highly aroused yet frustrated and denied with aching, throbbing plums and a new resolve to serve my Owner even better, to pleasure Her even more.  In the past two years i have been permitted just four orgasms, each of which occurred in the first two thirds of last year. By the time i was granted the fourth orgasm my performance had degraded significantly. The housework was not getting done and i was a shadow of the wife that Owner deserves. i hit quite a low point. Owner was unhappy with me and i was unhappy with myself.

However, things have since greatly improved. It has now been well over four months since my last orgasm and i am much happier and my performance and behaviour are, i think, unrecognisable from the low point i had reached last autumn.  Owner still sexually treats and pleasures me permitting me to lick out Her anus as She climaxes with Her vibrator, as She did again yesterday. She also fondles and caresses me, beats me and bites me all of which make me highly aroused. She caresses and twists my nipples, strokes the entrance to my pussy and occasionally fucks me or stretches me with Her hand or toys. i love this, being entered or stretched open up by Her is one of my greatest thrills. However, She is careful to restrict the sexual pleasure that i might experience. Instead leaving me aroused and excited, desperate for more.

She has not permitted me to orgasm since we went to Wales on our autumn holiday and i can honestly say that i am a much happier and better person and submissive for that. i long to stay kept denied. To me it makes me a better person. i still get to experience pleasure. The pleasure of being left aroused but frustrated is indescribable. But it does not reduce my performance as Her wife and submissive in the way that being allowed to orgasm does. In the same way that, without ever once declaring it, Owner has seen to it that my clit has become totally sexually redundant so too are my orgasms becoming increasingly redundant too.  They are already far more strictly rationed and controlled than i ever could have imagined and i am grateful to Owner for that. 

That is not to say that i do not still seek my own sexual pleasure. Of course i do, i am human. Instead, i have realised that i am happiest and at my best when given a taste of pleasure that is left unfulfilled. Just as i still love it when, on the rare occasions when i am unlocked, Owner will rub Her sex against my clit, knowing that however much She rubs Herself against it, however much i can feel Her wetness so close, i will not be allowed to enter Her. So too i still crave being aroused by Her, love to be spanked hard, have my pussy caressed and fucked by Her, have my always sensitive nipples left hard and stiff by Her touch. i love being driven crazy by desire by Her scent, Her taste, adore being smothered by Her, suffocated by Her as i lie between Her legs, feverishly tonguing and tasting Her as though my life depended upon it. All of these i love and adore, they drive me wild with desire. i live for the sound and feel of Owners orgasm, the quivering of Her sphincter muscles against my tongue, Her thighs gripping and crushing my head, the sound of Her pleasure. Knowing that She is experiencing such pleasure makes me the happiest person in the world. But what makes me happier still. What makes me most contented. What makes me love my life as Her submissive, slutty wife. What makes me truly grateful to Her for training and nurturing me as She has. What makes me most thankful for being as incredibly lucky as i was to have met someone like Her. What makes me more excited every day about our life together. What, quite frankly, leaves me horny and aroused most days, is being kept denied by Her.

It is, i know, a very strange and perhaps incomprehensible thing to say. But i am and will always be eternally grateful to my Owner for every minute of every day that i am denied the ability or right to orgasm. i love my life as Her submissive, slutty wife. i love that She uses me as Her sex toy. Love that She bites and beats me. Love that She has taught me how pointless my clit is. Does this mean that i too am a Born Again Virgin in the manner Mistress Scarlett's blog describes? Perhaps. It was never planned, it just evolved organically that way as so many things have done with Owner. But i love and, most importantly, enjoy the intimacy we share and am thrilled to be kept denied by Her. i could want for nothing better in this world.