Roll With It

Owner and i are counting down to our summer holidays (we head off as everyone else gets back!). To be honest both of us cannot wait to go and are looking forward to spending time exploring the Shetland Isles off the North Coast of Scotland. We also, of course, may find time for some fun and naughtiness whilst we are away. i have packed my transparent plastic raincoat just in case there are any suitable photo opportunities :)

The last weekend was a bank holiday in the UK and Owner and i spent time visiting a few exhibitions and going to the cinema to escape the heatwave we experienced.  We watched the new Pedro Almodovar film, Pain and Glory which is simply wonderful. We also spent one evening sitting in a pub on the banks of the Thames admiring a beautiful sunset. Owner allowed me to have a few glasses of cider (my favourite) too, it was wonderful.

i have also had a few challenges to complete as i have been working from home all of this past week. Todays' was a fun outdoor one, to take a picture of me wearing my bra in a local park. You can see how i got on below

preparing to head out

on route

 

ta da!

 

just casually walking about with my bra on show

Earlier in the week i also had to spend some time at home fucking myself with one of Owners' favourite dildo's. Hear i am about to impale myself on it

Locked away in my Happygo Super Small cage

Meanwhile, as i write this the UK heads into an even deeper political crisis. Let's hope i don't have to one day do a blog entitled the day poppet took to the streets!

In happier news, this Friday will mark the 250th day since i last had an orgasm. Ever since late December 2018 i have been kept completely denied spending much, but not all, of that time locked in chastity. i never could have imagined ever saying this but i am deeply thankful to Owner for having kept me this way. It is, oddly, very thrilling and arousing and i am extremely grateful.

Owner Has Control

'What are you doing looking at that?' Owner remarked casually this morning as i was studying a particularly pretty sheer, lace, boned corset on Pinterest. 'Go and make me a coffee'. It was an everyday example of how Owner can and does control me and what She expects of me, to stop something immediately and get something for Her that She might need. It was an unremarkable event in its own right but it did give me the idea for this blog entry. Namely, control and the level of control Owner has come to exercise over me.

Take a recent night out at a restaurant for example. The waiter came over and presented us both with the menu. i looked at it but did so knowing full well that my actions were completely pointless, the waiter might just as well have handed a single menu to Owner. When we go out She chooses what i will eat and, more recently, what i will drink. Again, another example of the level of control She now wields over my life.

Or take yesterday. i received an email from one of (in my view) the best retailers specialising in bras for small breasts - a shop called Little Women. The email was promoting a flash Bank Holiday sale and they had a lovely bra in my size (38AA). i asked Owner if i might purchase it to which She replied that 'No' i might not and reminded me that i already had a number of bras (which is true). Again, another example of Her control. i am not permitted to purchase any clothes of any sort without Her expression permission.

When we first started our FLR/Femdom journey all those years ago i used to spend hours browsing blogs and forums or reading books looking for examples of how subs submitted to their Dommes and how, in Femdom relationships they had handed over control to their partner. There were quite a few examples but most centred on sex and had much less to say about day to day control and that was what i was really interested in. We live a 24/7 lifestyle 365 days a year. Ours is not a relationship that comprises of a few 'scenes' or 'play' episodes and then carries on as 'normal'. We live as we do with Owner in complete control every hour of everyday. That is not to say that there are not moments when, say for reasons of health or unexpected circumstance, i need to do something or decide on something that would normally be left to Owner. But these are the exceptional moments, not the rule.

Equally, Owner does not govern our relationship like some over-bearing dictator. Like any couple we discuss many things it's just that when it comes down to the decision, She decides. Owner regularly consults meabout things and equally it is sometimes me that puts forward an idea for Her to consider. Ultimately, however, the decision is Hers.

Neither did we get to where we are overnight. Owners' control of my life has been a gradual process which has taken many years to develop and strengthen. Some areas have not been easy and it has taken quite a while to mentally adjust (on my part) but all, i repeat, all are 100% consensual. There is a real danger in any relationship (not simply one where one partner is the Dominant one) for a relationship to become abusive. That is not what we are about and is not what any relationship should be about. That is abuse, plain and simple and should always be regarded as such. However, it is possible to develop a completely consensual relationship where one partner is in full control of the other and where the other willingly submits to that control, indeed relishes it.

i believe our relationship is one that has got close to achieving an almost total level of control, domination and submission that is practicable and manageable on a 24/7 and 365 days a year basis. There are still further ways it could deepen, but as i said, ours is a journey and we still (hopefully) have many, many years of life ahead of us to strengthen our bond further.

So, what does 'control and submission' look like in or relationship?

Finance 

• Owner controls this. My salary is paid direct into a joint account we have. From that i am then given a monthly £100 allowance for sundry expenses i.e. coffees etc. i may use the joint account to pay for groceries, and other shared items. Outside this i am  not permitted to make independent purchases
• i do have my own separate savings which i still make monthly payments into

Clothing, Meals and Drinks 

• Owner controls all aspects of this. 
• i am not permitted to buy clothes that She has not approved the purchase of nor may i wear anything She does not approve of
• When eating out Owner decides what i will eat and drink

Our Flat

• Owner determines how this is decorated and how it 'looks' and how it is to be maintained and cleaned
• i no longer have any possessions in the flat. Everything that was once 'mine' has been disposed of except one or two sentimental items

Travel/Holidays and Other 'Big Ticket' Items i.e. New Bathroom/Kitchen 

• Owner decides where and when we are going and whether and what new large expenditure is needed

Social Media

• Owner restricts my use of Facebook - i am permitted to post a maximum of 2 posts a week which She must approve of
• Owner edits and vets all of my blog entries

Developments Goals

• Owner sets development goals for me for areas in which i need to improve or skills i need to learn. For example, in the past i have been sent on courses to learn massage techniques, pedicures, flower arranging, sewing and jewellery making amongst others (i have certificates in a number of these!)

Sex

• i am not permitted to make any sexual advances to Owner - only She may initiate sex.
• my body is to be used for Owners' pleasure only
• i am not allowed to orgasm unless permitted 

My Body 

• Owner designs the tattoos that i have which symbolise aspects of our relationship
• Owner encourages me to maintain my body to ensure it remains attractive to Her
• Owner decides how i 'look' and what i may and may not do to 'change' how i look

In return for the above it is expected that i will undertake all of the following:

Housework

• i am responsible for preparing all meals (breakfast, lunch and dinner) - including Owners' lunch for work and washing-up afterwards
• i a responsible for cleaning the flat and have a daily 'rota' of tasks
• i do all the laundry and the ironing
• i am responsible for maintaining the outside of the flat, putting out the bins and looking after the plants
• i am responsible for ensuring the cupboards/fridge are stocked and that expired foods are disposed of
• i am responsible for looking after our pet fish [EDIT by Owner - like that is a massive chore!]

Act as Owners' Assistant 

• i am encouraged to be Owners' PA - to make bookings for events etc She would like to see and check arrangements
• i escort Owner to and from the station when She goes to and returns from work (the latter only if i am working from home)
• i carry Owner's bags
• i am responsible for ensuring Owners' mobile is charged overnight
• i am Her hairdresser
• i am responsible for providing massages/pedicures etc on request
• i am responsible Her work bag is packed with the items needed that day 
• i am responsible for checking that Her trains are running on time and checking the weather forecast so She knows what to wear

My Appearance and Behaviour

• Owner expects me to look pretty for Her. She permits and encourages my feminisation albeit within certain limits 
• Owner expects me to behave like a slut when requested but also to look elegant at times
• Owner expects me to do whatever i am told

So this is how we currently function as a couple, with Owner very much in control of nearly all aspects of my life outside of work.


It would be really interesting to hear how other couples in similar relationships have developed and what areas and to what extent one exercises control over the other.

A Little Outdoor Challenge

Today i was required to complete a little outdoor challenge. This time the roll of Owners' dice determined that i was to complete one that the dice has not thrown-up before, namely to take a photo of me wearing my cat ears headband in a specific street near where we live.

The street itself is about a 5-10 minute walk from our flat. i completed the challenge wearing the 'workign from home' outfit that i was wearing that day which consisted of nude hold-ups, cream bra and knickers, cream blouse and black skirt with tan shoes. It was a lovely day and t was a fun challenge to do. You can see how i got on in the photos below. What you cannot see is that immediately to my right where i am stood next to the road sign (evidence for Owner that i had indeed taken the photo in the street specified) there were some builders working who seemed a little bemused as to quite what i was up to.

Anyway the images below are from the challenge

wearing my cat ear headband - challenge completed

about to set-off

on route

heading back

It was a lovely and fun little challenge to do and a wonderful opportunity to wear my home working office outfit outside as well. Owner was very happy with the results when i sent Her the photographic proof

Why i Wear What i Do

In a comment on one of my recent blog articles Evy asked:

Do you always wear fem clothes including underwear?
And what is for you the reason to wear them.

They are good questions which i seek to answer below.

Taking the first question, do i always wear fem clothes including underwear? The answer is that 99% of the time, yes i always wear fem clothes and 100% of the time i always wear fem underwear. Any clothes that i am permitted to purchase (and i am not allowed to purchase anything not agreed to by Her) or which Owner buys for me are always feminine clothes, without exception. What that means in practice is that all my clothes are always purchased from women's stores or from the women's section of a store i.e. my jeans, blouses, work blazers, shoes, coats, etc, etc are all women's. All of my old 'male' clothes were gradually discarded. The only male items of clothing i possess are some t-shirts and a couple of long-sleeve tops which only ever get worn when we visit Owners' family in Spain. They are not worn on any other occasion. Everything i wear at work or when visiting my own family or seeing friends etc is a women's item of clothing. 

None of my underwear is male. i did for a while retain one pair of boxer shorts for use when going to the doctor but even that has now been discarded. Not all of my knickers are sexy lacy affairs, some are quite plain and perfectly OK to wear for a medical exam. i normally always wear a padded bra at home and when Owner and i are going out at the weekend. At work i wear non-padded ones except if i am wearing one of my short-sleeve blouses which is slightly sheer. My ambition is to wear padded bras to work too.

So normal is it for me to wear women's clothing that i know exactly what sizes i am for which items. If interested i am wear UK size 8 shoes, wear UK size 10 /12 trousers, UK size 10 knickers, UK size 12/14 tops and wear size 38AA bras.

So, why do i wear women's clothing? When Owner first met me i did not - in fact She used to take the piss out of me for having such a drab boring wardrobe (think browns and grey) and that i only possessed about two pairs of shoes. Clothes were of no real interest to me and didn't bring me any particular pleasure. Before i knew Her i would sometimes wear women's knickers in secret but only occasionally. As a teenager i had dressed in my mum's clothes (with her knowledge) once or twice for fancy dress parties but that was that. In short it wasn't that Owner had met an active cross-dresser when She and i first met.

So what happened? Not long after we started dating i confessed in writing to Owner my desire to submit to Her and, to my eternal delight, She agreed. Neither of us had much idea what this might mean in practice and so we spent a lot of time trying different ideas and seeking others advice. One such person was a wonderful woman called Mistress 160 who was an active blogger at the time (and with whom we are still in touch yet have still never met - she lives on a different continent to us). Anyway, Mistress 160 was quite active on a fetish site Owner and i joined and she ran a forced feminisation group. Knowing by then that i did occasionally wear lingerie in secret Owner thought that this could be a good group for us to join. Over a period of time some outfits were purchased for me to be 'forced' to wear and her photograph and send to the group.

Unbeknownst to us both at the time, however, was that we had stumbled across and tapped straight into a deep-seated but essentially hidden (including to myself) desire on my part to be feminised. The clues were there but even so even i was surprised how quickly the change from 'forced' to 'willing' feminisation occurred. i was really shy and often quite embarrassed at first and would be pushed to do things, such as walk around Trafalgar Square wearing a basque or walk across Waterloo Bridge in heels. However, my initial fears soon subsided and being en femme started to become more and more normal. i began to wear bras and make-up and even started to go en femme to work. i realised two things very quickly.

First, for the first time in my life i liked what i looked like. These days i literally don't go out without make-up on and if for some reason i am not wearing any as far as i am concerned i no longer look like me and i don't like what i see. Equally, i love wearing women's clothing and though that more often involves tight jeans than skirts i love opportunities to wear the latter. i still get butterflies wearing skirts in public but if instructed to do so i do without hesitation. i really like how i look when dressed en femme and though i realise that sounds a very vain thing to say it is the truth. i never used to like what i looked like so now actually liking how i looked was quite novel for me.

The second revelation was discovering that the sky did not fall in if i dressed en femme. Living in London (or any liberal city) probably helps but i have worm make-up and women's clothes in many parts of Europe and Canada and the USA now and have never once had any issues. i obviously get the odd glance but it is rare that anyone will ever say anything. Nobody says anything at work nor has it affected my ability to present at conferences or workshops etc. i wear make-up, a blazer, blouse, bra, knickers and trousers and a pair of women's brogues and nobody either a) notices or b) cares.

In the early days Owner used my newly discovered enthusiasm for all things feminise against me as a form of punishment when required. She would deny me permission to wear certain items, force me to throw some it away for bad behaviour or prevent me from wearing make-up for a fixed period. These were hard but effective lessons.

Today my feminisation is an integral part of who i am. i don't think i could ever go back to how i was before and would not  willingly want to. For Her part Owner has been incredible. She met a vanilla man and ended up, quite literally, marrying a wife. At our wedding in Vegas i wore a pink dress with matching heels She had chosen for me and She wore a dark blue trouser suit with a blouse and bow tie.

Owner, however, is the ultimate arbiter of how far my feminisation goes. She decides what clothes i am permitted to buy and decides what might be appropriate for me to wear or not. She has grown accustomed to seeing me in make-up and women's clothes and regularly comments and compliments me on looking 'pretty'. However, Owner does not find the female body physically attractive nor does She like feminine smells and so would not permit me to ever physically alter my appearance (develop breasts for example) or wear perfume. i confess to fantasising about such things but fantasies they will remain. But i am incredibly lucky and fortunate to have met someone who has been so supportive of and embraced what was a rather unexpected journey on my part. i for one have never been happier than i am as a person now and love Owner even more for helping me reach such a point.

So there you have it, that is why i dress as i do. i adore it and Owner allows and encourages it.
 
i leave you with a picture of my 'dress down Friday home working outfit' taken today

Home Working Clamped Clitty

If Owner and i had my way i would work from home every day of the week rather than go into the office. Sadly that is not always possible for me (sadder still is that it is hardly ever possible for Her) but She does expect me to work from home whenever i can. On days when i am working from home Owner always expects me to dress appropriately in office attire and has bought me various blouses and skirts etc to wear 'for work'. Here i am dressed for work

me working from home today

i confess that i love dressing up in these outfits and would love, one day, to go to have to go to an actual office dressed like this. It would be quite a thrill. As it is people do sometimes get to see me in my 'office attire'. Our neighbour has seen me dressed like this a few times when she has rung our doorbell to enquire about something as too have various delivery drivers and postal workers. i have never yet had the courage to dress like this when we have had workmen around and i have been working from home to 'supervise' them. i still wear make-up on such occasions but have never worn a skirt....yet :)

Today, however, we had no deliveries or other visitors and so i did not get to flash my stocking tops to anyone. i did, however, get to decorate my 'clitty' with 20 mini clothes pegs. Yes, Owners' 'home working dice' determined that my reward for spending the day working from home was that i should wear 20 such pegs for 20 minutes. The result was quite colourful i think - and there was definitely room left over for some more to be added another time

Once removed at the end of the twenty minutes my little plums (as Owner likes to call my testicles) throbbed wonderfully whilst my little locked clit twitched forlornly inside its' cage.

A Brief Interregnum...Then Back To Training

Owner and i are back in the UK after our brief visit to Spain to see Her family. The trip was not as relaxing a one as Owner had hoped for, however, we did get to celebrate Her parents wedding anniversary with a big family meal which was really enjoyable. On the day we left Owner also instructed me to remove my chastity device and to remain unlocked until we returned, which is why the days in chastity counter has changed.

The first night we were away She teased and caressed my now unexpectedly free clit. Owner caressed my nipples (which ALWAYS gets me going) and then stroked and spanked my clitty which was soon quite hard well as hard as it gets. However, She stopped after a bit and i remained a good girl the rest of the trip and refrained from the temptation to pleasure myself. So here we are, back in the UK and back locked-up again. It is eight months and counting since i last had an orgasm, part of me hopes this might become the new normal, denial is oddly extremely arousing.

On Thursday i was working from home and so had to complete an outdoor challenge. The dice determined that i was to take a picture of myself outdoors with my panties on my head. i opted to take it at the bus stop close to where we live. It is only a short walk to the stop but i was briefly 'tailed' by a van as i made my way along the street with the feel of the warm summer breeze on my knickerless bottom and locked clit. Little did the driver know that i was walking along with my panties in my bag!

It was a fun and thrilling thing to do and by the time i let myself back into our flat, mission accomplished, i confess to feeling quite excited by my brief adventure. i have been an exhibitionist from an early age, as a child, well aged about 11, i used to sneak out of my parents house and run naked in the street before sneaking back home. i still get the same excited thrill out of it as i did then, and am grateful to Owner for encouraging this side of me. She enjoys having an exhibitionist slut wife and i adore being one.

at bust stop - knickers (spotty Victoria's secret ones) on head

a better view of the outfit i was wearing

Meanwhile, the lovely Kaaren requested a picture of Owner and my trip to Spain. Below is an image of the seafront - sadly it wasn't really appropriate for me to don my bikini and join the beach goers

Friday saw me again working from home. This time the dice dictated that i complete one of my favourite activities, namely deep-throat practising. i have come to really enjoy this and feel that i am now much more accomplished than i once was. i love the sensation of taking a phallus as far down as i can manage, and i can now get it quite a long way down! i adore having my mouth and throat filled, feeling the cock slide down then fucking my mouth with the dildo. It creates a wonderful gooey, slimy mess to coat the dildo with so i can fuck my throat some more. i practised with two dildos, the long double-ended one and the fatter but shorter one. Here's me in fake cock deep throat heaven

In case you wondered what actual size these dildo's are?

the answer is about 1/2 and 3/4 of an arm respectively :)

i have still yet to be able to get the longer dildo all the way in, but i am getting there! i'd love one day to be able to take it all the way down. The shorter one now quite easily goes in 'balls deep' and is great for training my throat to accommodate a girthy cock. It is more solid than the longer one and so is more akin to a big, hard, erect cock whereas the longer one i guess is similar to a very long but only 'half awake' cock. i'd like to be trained to take an even fatter one and also practice being face-fucked. What curious ambitions i have! :)

By contrast my own, now essentially redundant, 'clit' is tiny in comparison, .  Owner's description of it as my 'clitty' is an accurate one,  and it is never used. There is no danger of it being inside any orifice ever again - except a chastity device, which it is most of the time. My 'clitty' last experienced being inside Owners' pussy well over a decade ago and has not been permitted entry since. Nor do i ever expect to ever be allowed inside Her again. It is not something i miss as my 'performance' was always something i was anxious and nervous about. i also don't recall ever having had a blow job in my entire life, neither do i have any desire to ever have one. It simply is of no interest to me, never has been. My only experience of blow jobs has been as the giver not the receiver. In short, as you can see, my clitty serves no particular sexual function of any kind. However, like any clitty it does enjoy the odd occasion when it is caressed or, more frequently, those occasions when it is slapped and spanked. But Owner takes care these days to ensure it does not get so excited as to risk an accident. My 'clit' is now kept in a state of extended orgasm denial (8 months and counting) which i love and i am eternally grateful to Owner for. All i miss is the taste of cum - Owner generally always made me lick-up my mess.  All i long for these days, and what i absolutely adore, is when She instructs me to bury my tongue in Her anus. But i am digressing massively! The point i am trying to make as i waffle on and on is that, my 'clit' is a) small and b) redundant, unlike those dildos.

i was wearing shorts when i did my deep throat training, not that you can see in the pictures above so here's one taken just after i got dressed for work (from home) at the start of the day. You can clearly see the new tattoo that Owner got me - which is now totally healed. i think it looks really cool. i love how it runs up the inside of my thigh towards my crotch. i think it looks really pretty... and a little slutty, which is a look i aspire to :) and which Owner encourages.

thick thighs and thin arms