'Twas The Night Before Halloween

Spine chilling and horrifying sights, sensations and scenes have been experienced in Owner's home today, and no i am not talking about the ghoulish vision of me drifting about early this morning sweeping and mopping the floors. Nor am i talking about the sight of me standing over my simmering 'cauldron; cooking chicken and chorizo paella for lunch. i am not even speaking of the ghastly Jack O' Lanterns that Owner and i carved this afternoon (incidentally - can you tell whose is whose?)

which was carved by me and which by Owner?

No dear reader. i am speaking of something more awful, an unspeakable abomination. Come closer, closer, let me whisper it in your ear.

"This afternoon i danced to the tune of Britney Spear's '[Hit me] Baby one more time'

For those of a nervous disposition i urge and implore you to look away now, read and look no further. But for those of you who dare, who can look at true horror in the face and smile, who are not offended at the sight of a fifty-two year old pretending to be a teen and dancing really, really badly. Then dear reader, i present to you, 'Hit me Owner one more time'

Your mercifully motionless protagonist before the true horror began

And then the music started and out stepped THIS apparition, moving and miming like only the living dead can

Dear god, please make it stop! But no, it goes on, and that stomach (in my defence i had just eaten a very large bowl of paella)

and on, and on, horror unrelenting

If you have read to here let me assure you that no horror or sight you see this coming night of the dead will be quite as terrifying as the sight of me dancing (or trying to). But, as i hope you can see, a lot of fun was had trying to.

i am so sorry Britney, after all you have been through you did not deserve to have your song treated like this.

Happy Halloween everyone from Owner and i

14 Years of Blogging and Counting

Would you believe that this little blog has now been going for over fourteen years. My first post was back in August 2008. What a lot has happened since then and how my relationship with Owner has strengthened, grown and evolved. i could never have believed back then quite how far we would have traveled on our journey into FLR and my submission to Her. i hope to still be blogging about my and Her life together 14 years from now.

In the meantime we have both been fairly busy with work and i have also been needing to help my father out with some things which has been occupying my headspace somewhat. However, i am delighted to say that i am continuing to keep up my daily studies and also find that the new routine of being caged when not being productive or asked to join Owner at Her side also helps to clear my head. It has, somewhat surprisingly, become something i actually quite look forward to.

i have a dental appointment this afternoon which i am not greatly looking forward to, it has been about four or five years since i last visited one and expect to be told off. Ho hum.

Meanwhile, this week i was lucky enough to be asked by Owner to act as Her footstool one evening whilst She was on the phone to Her mother. Part of me thinks how great it would be for my mother-in-law to know that i was kneeling naked, her daughter's feet resting on my back, as they chatted.

Owner also requested that i spend time plugged whilst working. Here is the lovely, heavy metal plug ready for entry

my lovely metal plug

and this is it in situ

plugged and with my clit chain also visible

Last night i was also lucky enough to receive my weekly disciplining by Owner. This week She used Her heavy wooden paddle to spank me p.s. the white marks on my right butt cheek are from where Owner decided to 'paint' my bottom with tipex

my pink butt

Finally, Owner also remarked that it has been a while since She last sat on my face (which it has). i am hoping that i might get to experience the pleasure of Her delicious backside this weekend if i am lucky.

Human Toilet

WARNING - this post discusses things that may not be to everyone's taste (pun intended). If you do not wish to read about the consumption of human waste products skip to the next post.

One of the things that Owner regularly gifts to me, and which i have come to relish, is Her urine or Her special golden wine. Each weekend starts with me being presented with a full glass of this magical fluid to consume with my breakfast. It is presented to me by Her in a special over-sized wine glass inscribed with the words 'piss slut' for that is what i am. i love drinking Her special gift.

Drinking Owner's urine was not something i immediately enjoyed. Don't get me wrong, i still readily consumed it, but it took me a while to really come to enjoy the taste and flavour. Her piss, especially first thing in the morning when it has been maturing overnight, can be rich and mature, full of flavour and with a heady nose to it. In contrast, when served later in the day her urine is much lighter, almost clear, more diluted and with only the faintest, most ephemeral of tones. Still enjoyable but much less complex than Her early morning offering.

It took me a while to truly acquire a taste for Her overnight vintage (not that it made any difference whether i liked it or not) but now i a truly am a connoisseur of Her richer, darker offerings. Sometimes She will even pour it early, before i have awoken, and leave it to cool for me. Somehow, the flavour and smell is even more intense when served cold compared to when i can feel Her warmth in my hands as i drink Her offering down, the wine of my Goddess.

A real treat is when Owner serves me straight from the source, pissing on me as She stands astride me or squats over my face, directing Her flow straight into my open mouth. i cannot describe what a wonderful experience this is. To be drenched by Her, my mouth filled, hair matted, trying to swallow so that i might consume some more, gasping for air amidst Her deluge. It is a truly, truly wonderful experience and one that leave me in complete awe of Her. To be pissed on is to truly know ones place.

i would love to be allowed to drink Owner's special wine more regularly. Whilst working i always have a a bottle of water at my side to keep me hydrated during the day. How wonderful it would be were that to be full, not of water but, of Owner's piss. For colleagues to then wonder what it was that i was consuming. Or when i am caged to have my gag removed and be presented with a bowl of Her pee to consume before being gagged again.

Owner will sometimes send me to the shops wearing a pair of Her used panties as a face mask or make me walk around the block wearing a pair of Her used knickers on my head. What a thrill it would be were these knickers to be soaked with Her wine. To be able to suck on Her nectar, inhale Her scent in the street, in the shops, would be both wonderful and deeply humiliating.

My interest in piss goes way back to my childhood/early teens. As a young boy i eventually discovered the pleasure that could be had from touching the thing between my legs (as we all one day do). However, at the time i was too young to ejaculate, having not yet gone through puberty, but would instead pee. But that does not explain why i adore drinking Owner's piss or having Her piss on me. Incidentally, She seems to enjoy peeing on me as much as i enjoy being pissed upon.

Of course, it is not just Owner's amber nectar that is special.There is another special bodily treat that i have been lucky enough to sample, albeit unintentionally so. For many years now the only way in which i am permitted to sexually pleasure Owner is by licking Her anus with my tongue. Owner has a most wonderful backside. i could quite happily spend hours with probing and licking Her anus and consider myself to be extremely lucky to be allowed to worship Her so. i love the feel of Her sphincter against my tongue as it brushes against Her puckered entrance, the sensation of my tongue gently pushing into Her, of Her muscles parting as my tongue probes deeper. i adore the sensation of those same muscles quivering and clamping against my tongue when Owner climaxes. i love Her smell, love it when She sits on my face and forces my nose against, even into, Her arsehole. Filling my senses with Her scent and aroma.

i also, and this is something that i could never have imagined i would ever have enjoyed, love Her taste. Occasionally my probing tongue will encounter a small nugget, an edible jewel, to lick, taste, consume and savour. Finding and eating such morsels is a true delight. Like discovering the golden ticket in the chocolate factory. They are quite delicious. i have said to Owner that i would love to be asked to lick Her clean one day after She has been to the toilet. i never have but it is a desire of mine. This is not something i ever could have imagined wanting to do, far less even contemplate as something i might find enjoyable but the idea of being Her human toilet, of cleaning Her anus with my tongue, being fed by Her, consuming Her wonderful offerings really would be the greatest honour and privilege.

So my apologies to anyone who might be offended by this post, i did try to warn at the outset. But this is also a side of me and an aspect of my submission to Owner. This too is something that has evolved over time. i never once could have imagined that one day i would wake-up eager to drink a glass of Owner's delicious urine or be thrilled when i unexpectedly find and consume a morsel of Her faeces. Still less to fantasise and yearn to consume more.

What is my Goal?

i love to hear from readers of this blog and try to respond to each and every comment that someone leaves. There are readers who comment on quite a regular basis and then there are others who suddenly pop-up with a question or thought. i recently received a comment that i thought warranted a more detailed response (in the form of a blog post). The comment received was as follows:

Hi I have been following your blog for a while. And now you have to sit under the table in your stockings makes me horny. Now I haven't read everything but I wonder what exactly is your goal. What drives you and where do you want to go. Do you want to become a woman. Or something else. Or are you indeed just a doll and is that your goal.

A great set of questions!

So, where to start? Well, i guess the first thing i would say is that my development depends on what Owner wants and desires, which is as it should be. She is very clear about certain things. For example, whilst She has been incredibly supportive of my feminisation, She has Her limits, which i respect. i can say with certainty, for example, that i will never be taking hormones or having breast augmentation done. Owner still wants me to have the body of a man, even if i do not dress, act or behave like one. My own view on this is irrelevant and academic. 

For what it is worth i have never personally wanted to become a woman, but equally i do not feel that i am really a man. i greatly enjoy being feminised and feel much more 'comfortable in my skin' as i am now than i ever did. However, i would never want to get rid of my penis even though i recognise that it is completely pointless and redundant [Edit from Owner - I think it is cute!] and serves no sexual purpose for Owner. i have been a 'Born Again Virgin' for well over a decade and expect to remain so for the rest of my life. But, i would not want to get rid of my 'clit'. 

i do, however, like having my clit caged in chastity (more so than Owner does who likes it unlocked at times so She can tease and abuse it). Were it possible i would like to shrink it to the size of a thumb nail - but keeping my plums as they are so that they can still easily be struck by Owner. This is something that i never imagined would be as pleasurable as it can be i.e. having my testicles struck hard, but i am guaranteed to orgasm if they get struck hard and repeatedly! Owner knows this but also knows when to stop, leaving me desperate and aroused.

Were Owner ever to have a complete change of view and suddenly put me on hormones or insist i had breast augmentation surgery then yes i would do so, though i am sure i would find it a real struggle. My main 'issue' would be other people's reactions. i find people who have had extreme body augmentation surgery quite inspiring. i admire their self-confidence and courage in going out in the world knowing everyone is staring at them. i cannot imagine ever having such confidence but part of me would love to know how it feels to be them, to have changed their physiques dramatically and have the self-belief to not really give a shit about what others may say or think about them. That is a state of mind that i would say is a goal of mine, to not care what others (Owner accepted of course) think of what i look like or what i do. i have made progress in that direction i think over the years in that i find the older i get the less bothered i am about what others might think of me. 

One goal that i do have, and which Owner has encouraged in me, is to be a slut and to be 'seen' by others as being one. i have been an exhibitionist from a very young age (pre-teens) but spent a long time trying to hide/smother it, just as i tried to hide my submissive nature. Owner has helped me to unlock and tap into these. One difference between Her and i is that She has no exhibitionist side to Her at all and is really very private. i am not. i love, want, almost have a need to show people who i am, what a slut i yearn to be, and make no real attempt to hide this side of me. i have a job and career which i am good at and which gives me quite a bit of job satisfaction (and no i am not going to say what i do) but a large part of me would really much rather be remembered and recognised as an eager slut who'd be prepared to do pretty much anything (which i am). 

i remember reading the book 'The Happy Hooker' by Xaviera Hollander in my very early teens. i am not a hooker or a sex worker but maybe it had more of an influence on me than i realised at the time. i think to be considered a slut or a whore is quite a compliment and i would be delighted if readers ever thought that of me. Maybe in another life i could come back as one 😊

Another goal if mine is to be controlled, absolutely, by Owner. This has been realised in so many ways that i could never before have imagined might be possible. i did not start off thinking like this. Had you told me, even quite recently, that i would, for example, look forward to being locked up, gagged and chained under a desk i would have been pretty skeptical. But i do, i now genuinely look forward to it every day. Equally, to be told that i would need permission to go out, to not have control of my own finances etc. All these i once could never have imagined and now cannot imagine life without.

One of the real joys of our relationship though is that Owner and i have no set or specific goals in mind. It has been a process of gradual development and evolution that has seen both of us discover aspects of ourselves that we might not have known we would enjoy/embrace in the way we have. Sometimes this has involved overcoming our own initial reluctance or my ability to tolerate things. For example, at first i found being caned or beaten to just be painful and unpleasant. Owner also worried that She was hurting me (which She was - but then that is the point) and so 'held back' from striking hard. However, since then things have moved on. My ability to tolerate pain is much improved and, for Her part, Owner now enjoys striking me and holds back much less than She did. i would like, ultimately, for my life to be completely controlled by Her but i know that practically that will not be possible until i retire (which is still a long way off sadly).

Anyway, i have rambled on far too long so i am going to bring this post to a close. But, i hope it has gone some small way to answering the question posed. If readers have other questions or things they would like me to write about please do not hesitate to say so, i will always do my best to answer if allowed to by Owner.

i leave you with some scenes from my week. We are away this weekend visiting my Dad and are traveling down tonight so Owner administered my weekly caning a day early

My bottom after my weekly caning

my nipples were also clamped whilst being caned - using my lovely new 'vicious' clamps

a close-up showing how 'vicious' these clamps truly are

Meanwhile earlier in the week i was instructed to do the housework whilst gagged and wearing Owner's worn panties on my head so that i was sniffing the gusset and inhaling Her wonderful scent

note: i still have my clit bells which i wear all the time, so i tinkle as i walk

At the start of the week i had to go to Cardiff overnight for work. As a 'punishment' for being away from home Owner required that i have my tits clamped when i went down for breakfast in the hotel. Her i am with clamps in situ and preparing to get dressed

Clamps securely in place ahead of breakfast at the hotel

The Last Slut to Disco Central

Today is the 16th of the month which can mean only one thing, it has been outdoor challenge day (there was no chastity dice roll as i am remaining locked until the 16th of December). Actually, i completely forgot that it was outdoor challenge day and had to be reminded about it by Owner, which is not good. In my defence there is a lot going on with my father at the moment which has been monopolising my attention these past few days, and not in a good way. A poor excuse i know but one i am sticking with :)

Anyway, back to the outdoor challenge. Having been reminded of the date by Owner over lunch i hastily retrieved and rolled Her outdoor challenge dice. The first dice came up with the train station as the location and the second instructed me to wear high heels and trousers. Now, i am normally always to be found in jeans when wearing trousers but today i chose to mix things up a bit and pair a new set of flared, stretch trousers that Owner gave me, and which i had not yet worn, together with a new velvet cropped top She also bought me - which i think is super cute. The top shows off my mid-riff (and slightly fat belly + piercing) and is also quite low cut so revealds off the pink bra i was wearing.

All, in all i was quite pleased with my 'look'. So off i set, having already been fuelled by a fresh glass of Owner's finest vintage golden nectar earlier in the morning, to pose and preen at the railway station.

Imagine my disappointment then when, upon arrival, the station was fenced off and swarming with railway workers. It was closed for 'essential engineering' works. Luckily, however, there is a Docklands Light Railway (DLR) station adjacent to it which is where i headed next to complete my challenge. i even got to speak with a member of the public dressed like this as they came up to me to ask for help with directions. 

Challenge completed i headed back home. Owner said She was pleased with how i got on and even remarked that i looked good in the trousers and top She had got me.  To me my apparel has a vague disco look to it hence the blog title. You can judge for yourself below;

station disco diva slut

hello random people

Caged Pet

i think it is safe to say that Owner is thoroughly embracing the idea of having me caged when not working/doing chores etc. Just before we flew to New York She presented me with my anniversary gifts which comprised a wonderfully cute pair of leather mittens, complete with little paw prints, and a matching leather 'bit' gag. 

To compliment these, and also to place inside my cage, She also bought me the most adorable little cuddly toy for Her 'pet' to cuddle in its cage. It really is super cute!

Now we are back at home after our travels i have been making full use of my new gifts from Owner. You can see me in my cage with my mittens, gag and soft toy below - as usual i am secured by heavy chains at my ankles, clit, nipples and collar. i now need an extra chain for my mittens.

caged with my new mittens, gag and cuddly toy

my mittens cute paw print design

The gag is the type that makes you drool quite heavily, i may need to ask Owner if i can invest in a little bowl to drool into, i also can't help but fantasise (whilst i am locked up) about also being secured by an anal/pussy hook and a piece of nose bondage - i think that would really complete the look :)

Here i am locked in my under desk 'cage'

TSA Tit and Butt Grope and 'Glory Hole' Fun

Well, Owner and i are back from our New York anniversary adventure and are both feeling suitably jet-lagged. Owner has graciously granted me a brief 're-adjustment' period before my expected normal routine and rules come back into force tomorrow. So for now i am making the best use i can of the extended opportunities to go online by writing this blog post.

Well, New York city was a blast. We arrived in the midst of a downpour but for the rest of the five days we were there we had wall-to-wall sunshine. We were staying in mid-town but explored much of that and the downtown area on foot. We also took the metro over to Brooklyn and visited Prospect Park, Brooklyn Heights and Williamsburg. One evening we took in a Broadway show, 'Beetlejuice' which was excellent and very funny and felt quite appropriate for the Halloween season - the town is pumpkin and spookiness crazy. Another day we took the Hudson line train out to Tarrytown (very pretty) and walked to the cemetery at Sleepy Hollow to visit Washington Irving's grave and the sight of the fabled headless horseman. We also re-visited the Empire State building (we have been to New York before) but this time at dusk to see the city light up, it's a gorgeous sight

However, there were two stand-out moments from the trip, each memorable for quite different reasons. The first was in the Museum of Sex and its 'funland' adult entertainment experience. i am not sure quite what i had expected but it was a bit of a disappointment, although the museum itself is very interesting. However, it was whilst participating in one of the 'funland' interactive games that i won a prize. My prize came in the form of a cock-shaped balloon and the game i won was the 'glory hole' experience. This involved tugging on a lot of fake cocks as they briefly appeared out of the glory holes in the toilet-cubicle themed exhibit. Sadly they were just dildos rather than real cocks and you pulled with your hand rather than fellating them with your mouth - but still, my efforts were rewarded! Here i am with my prize.

The second memorable moment occurred at security at JFK airport as we were leaving. i had already de-metalled myself by removing my nipple, waist and clit chains to avoid triggering airport security. i had also, at Owners' request, spent the entire trip chastity device free (i am locked again now) - so She could touch my clitty - so in theory passing through security should have been straightforward. i was wrong.

When i stepped into the screening machine, spread my legs and raised my hands above my head something was triggered, not sure what. Anyway when i stepped out i was pulled to one side by a TSA officer for an additional check. He started by running his hands up my torso until he reached my breasts. As his hands brushed across them he suddenly asked

'What's this?' as his hands came into contact with my padded breasts through the material of my top.

'A bra' i replied, trying to sound as nonchalant as i could.

He then proceeded to squeeze/maul my tits.

'What pronoun?' he asked, still fondling my breasts as he spoke.

'What?' i replied, slightly taken aback at having my tits groped in public.

'What pronoun do you prefer?' he replied, STILL grabbing my tits. Other people started to look over to see what was going on. 

The officer stepped forward so that his crotch was almost rubbing against mine.

'Oh...i don't care' i said (i don't). 

He stopped touching my boobs only to then slide his hands inside the back of my jeans, i had removed my belt before the security screening. i stood stock still there as the officer slipped his blue gloved hands past the denim waistband and then under the fabric of the cream lace panties i was wearing. His rubber gloved hands touched my butt. 

By this point i was mentally preparing myself to be asked to accompany him for a strip search

'OK. You can go' he said, stepping back.

It took me a second to compose myself before i returned to join Owner and collect my belongings from the security screening area.

i had never been publicly groped by a stranger, until then. Thanks TSA it was....um...an experience. 

The trip itself was wonderful. Owner and i had a great time and were sad that it came to an end all too soon. It was a wonderful way to spend our 17th anniversary. Hopefully we will be back again at some point. 

i did do a bad thing on the flight home, that is i drank some wine without having been given permission to by Owner. Although i have been told that i can relax my normal routines today i have been put on notice that i will be punished for my misbehaviour.

i leave you with some images from our trip.

Seventeen Years and Still Evolving (and Laughing)

On Thursday this week it will be seventeen years to the day that Owner and i have been a couple. At first we were online friends, then would meet regularly in person for trips to the cinema or the pub etc but it took a few more months before Owner made sure i got the hint by grabbing and snogging me on the platform of Charing Cross station in London. From that point on things quickly developed from a vanilla relationship to the start of our FLR one. These past seventeen years have been the best years of my life and hopefully, fingers and toes crossed, we will be celebrating our anniversary in New York City....yay! Yep, we are off on another little adventure. 

In those seventeen years our relationship, my submission to Owner and Her control over me, has continued to steadily strengthen and evolve to the point we are at today. The most recent manifestation of that has been the new regime that has been introduced which requires me to secure Owner's permission to leave the house unescorted by Her except for going to work or running errands and which also places new constraints/expectations on me when at home. These include requiring that i study Spanish on a daily basis; restricting my use of the internet/mobile phone to set hours each morning and evening; and having me chained and caged when i have completed all my chores/studies and when Owner does not require my presence at Her side.

This new regimen began in early September. Owner has now provided me with feedback on how i got on to the effect that She feels i have got off to a good start, is pleased with how i have got on but that i need to make sure i maintain this new standard. My performance will be reviewed every month (i submit weekly performance updates to Her) and, if needed, i will be severely punished for any lapses in my performance or behaviour.

i could never have imagined that when Owner and i first started 'dating' i would end up having my life being so controlled and dominated by Her, not could i have ever imagined how much joy and pleasure that that would bring for us both. It is also something that provides us with an endless source of fun and entertainment.

i truly am the luckiest person alive to have had the opportunity to share my life with Owner and to submit to Her. Ours is a journey that i hope will continue to evolve and grow until the day i die (we joke about one day needing to find a care home for the kinky and perverted). Owner has taught me so much about myself and has helped me to grow and evolve into my true self. i owe more to Her than i could ever possibly hope to describe. She makes me truly happy and i love Her with all my heart. 

Owner and i

On My Knees

It feels as though i have spent quite a bit of my time this week on my knees for Owner, which i guess is how things should be. In no particular order i have spent time:

• Kneeling blindfolded to eat my dinner from my dog bowl on the floor at Owner's feet - chasing food around the bowl with my tongue and trying not to get my face covered in the process
• Kneeling on my hands and knees, legs spread apart, in my cage with chains attached to my ankles; my caged clit; the leather collar around my neck; and my pierced nipples - with a gag in my mouth to keep me quiet and a mini-cow bell around my neck to train me to stay still. Kneeling in this position with my thighs spread apart, pivoting forward at the waist with my hands on the floor in front of me causes my 'pussy' to wink open, making me feel quite exposed. It's a difficult position to maintain but with practice i am slowly getting better. So far the longest i have stayed like this is about an hour. Sometimes Owner will come over and touch or caress me but for the most part She ignores me until She summons me to join Her at Her side.
• Kneeling in front of Owner whilst i bathe Her feet and give Her a mini-pedicure and a foot massage
• Kneeling on the sofa, counting off the strokes as Owner canes me. She now strikes me a lot harder than She did when She first started to administer weekly disciplinary sessions. She takes turns delivering a set number of strokes, standing first on one side of me then switching positions and striking me from the other. i am required to count each stroke out loud. As She gets into the swing of things the strokes land harder, moving from my bottom to the back of my thighs as i wince with the impact. i am very grateful to Her caning or spanking, whipping or flogging me as She does.
   
  

So yes, it feels as though i have been kneeling quite a bit this week. Of course i have also been doing other things, like studying Spanish daily, working, cleaning, cooking and practising deep-throating my training dildo but i am grateful for the time i have spent on my knees for Owner even if i do, on occasion, struggle a little to get back up! The joys of a slightly aged body.

Here are some of the times i have been on my knees this week

near naked, chained and gagged in my 'cage'

on my knees in my heels on eating dinner

chasing food around my bowl whilst blindfolded

strike me Owner one more time

red cheeks and thghs