Hospitals and Homesick

So this week has been spent living out of an anonymous hotel room in Exeter in the west of England so that i am close to where my Dad is being cared for in the hospital. He had a stroke and, although luckily not a major one, that combined with a stay in an unfamiliar place has really worsened his Alzheimers. It's terribly sad to see a man who, quite literally commanded the skies in a 747, DC10 and numerous other aircraft that he flew and captained, sitting confused, sometimes scared and entirely dependent on others. However, it has not all been doom and gloom, there have also been moments of unintended hilarity. But it is, nevertheless, emotionally hard.

Owner has been wonderfully supportive but She is hundreds of miles away. She still has to work, and i miss Her as i know She misses me too. We will, at least, be reunited this weekend and then we shall see what next week brings.

i feel guilty too as i know that, with me not at home, She is having to do all the things that quite rightly and naturally would normally fall to me to do, allowing Her to relax and do as She pleases. But, this week i have not been there and it pains me to hear of the chores and tasks She has had to do in my absence. i can't wait to get back and lift that burden off Her shoulders.

In fact i cannot wait to get back to see Her period. i miss Her. i miss serving Her. i miss being loved and chided by Her. Miss Her cuddles and Her beatings. i miss prostrating myself and kissing Her feet in the morning. i miss checking if She needs anything, miss asking if i might speak with Her, miss having Her instruct and guide me, i miss being spooned by Her in bed, stroking Her hair and scratching Her head. i miss the laughs and the tellings off.

We do, however, check-in throughout the day and She still approves what i might wear which, this week has seen me visiting the hospital, seeing my Dad and interacting with the medical staff etc in my make-up and padded bras, which are fairly visible beneath my t-shirts. In fact looking like this,  different t-shirts, blouses each day - photos taken in the hotel room before setting out to the hospital

Always good to try and remain 'perky' when visiting a hospital, it helps to cheer the patients up :) Meanwhile, here i am in the hospital with my Dad 

A Brief Public Service Announcement

Owner and i are both well and we had a wonderful time together in Spain, returning late last night. i kept up my routine of domestic service when i was out there in Her flat and Owner complimented me on completing all of my chores and the additional tasks that i promised to do in Her London home before i flew out to join Her. She even bought me a little outfit to wear when doing my household domestic chores in Spain (skimpy tight shorts and a matching top) as well as some pretty new knickers and socks.

However, my elderly Dad is not at all well and i am quite worried about him.  Sadly this means that, having just got back to London together, i am going to be parted from Owner again for the rest of the week whilst i spend time with my Dad down in Devon. i feel really bad at abandoning and neglecting Owner but She is also being really supportive. i will make it up to Her.

This also means that my usual monthly outdoor challenge, that should take place tomorrow (16th), has been cancelled with Owners full consent as i will be traveling.

However, the chastity dice should be rolled before i set off and i will update the blog with the outcome.

My normal service (pun intended) will, i hope, resume shortly. 

Oh, i almost forgot. Whilst i was in Spain last week i sailed past my 400th day since my last orgasm (as i type i am on day 406). Go me! i remain so grateful to my wonderful Owner for keeping me in this state of sustained denial 

An Unscheduled Interruption and Future Plans

The past few days have found yours truly in bed, not feeling great and being waited on and looked after by my wonderfully attentive and caring Owner.

i hate times such as these. Firstly, i feel guilty about all of the work Owner ends up having to do, the cooking and washing and keeping the flat looking respectable, tasks that naturally would normally always fall to me and which She ends up having to temporarily take on whilst i am sick. Secondly, i realise how much i actually miss being able to look after and serve Her. i miss doing my chores and the housework, miss the little rituals and routines that mark the passage of the day and the week and which serve to demonstrate my subservience to Her. i miss being caged and beaten by Her i even miss the prospect of having my caged clit electrocuted.

First thing in the morning and again after work in the evening you will normally always find me busy doing my daily chores and housework and preparing meals etc for Owner. i love being Her housewife and being kept busy and occupied in service to Her and helping Her run Her household. To me it is a daily way of both expressing my love for Her as well as demonstrating my subservience to Her.

In recent years i have come to resent the fact i still have to do my paid work when in truth i would be happier spending all day doing housework and completing tasks and errands for Owner. i love catching glimpses of Her in the lounge with Her feet up reading or watching TV or doing whatever takes Her fancy whilst i dust, lay the table or put the laundry away. Owner will occasionally say out loud that She worries i am working too hard when in truth the opposite is the case. i would love to work harder, have more time to devote to looking after Her and Her home.

Occasions like this, therefore, that find me ill in bed are especially frustrating. i want nothing more than to be up and about being Her busy little housewife. Spending my time constructively in service to my Owner.

It is possible that my wish to have more time to spend in domestic service to Owner may come true next year. Owner has, for a longtime, bemoaned the fact that She still has to work. Like me She also works five days a week. However, whereas i have always derived quite a bit of satisfaction from my job for Her it is very much a case of working for the money. She excels at what She does and in the whole time we have been together She has always earnt more than i do. However, neither i nor Her want Her to have to work any longer than is necessary, especially as doing so creates a lot of stress for Her.

A few months ago Owner decided that enough is enough and that She needs to come up with a full or partial retirement plan for Herself. 

In an ideal work She would stop work completely and just live off my salary, which goes directly to Her anyway (i just get a small monthly allowance). However, that might not prove sufficient. Owner would also like me to work less, as well as Her, so that we can spend some more time together. Doing so would also enable me to take on more housework, or have more time to ensure that things that currently only get occasionally cleaned, say like the windows, could instead be cleaned on say a weekly basis. More time would also mean that Owner could perhaps bring me to Her flat in Spain more often than is currently possible.

My ideal would be an arrangement whereby i had an extra day or two a week in which i did not need to work and could instead focus my attention on becoming a better housewife, travel companion, slut and muse for Owner. i know She would love to go to Spain more often than She does to see Her family and friends and i would love to be able to accompany Her on more frequent visits and be installed in Her flat as Her domestic servant and whore. We shall see.

In the meantime, i leave you with a picture from Sunday evening when i was well and when Owner tried out the new whip i bought Her as part of my anniversary present to Her. The way the coloured tails of the whip are arranged it almost looks as if it is some kind of minimalist skirt :)

Owners new whip with its 7 multi-coloured leather tails

The Show Must Go On

i owe everyone an apology, Owner especially for having been quite rubbish of late. i have become distracted by work, which at times has been quite shit and by the general state of the world, even more shit. Consequently my mind has been elsewhere and my performance and behaviours have not been anywhere close to the levels Owner expects and that i aspire to provide.

i have allowed my mind and my focus to be elsewhere rather than focussed as it should be on serving and submitting to Owner. i have been distracted and have grown wan and listless. i have kept up my Spanish studies but my exercises have become irregular and i have put on the pounds. Daily chores, whilst still undertaken, have not been fully completed, not have punishments been requested as they should be.

In short, i have been quite shit.

i am someone who can be 'in my head' quite a bit. Normally that is a good thing, it helps with my focus, submission and service. However, there are times that part of me becomes subsumed under other worries and concerns and i kind of lose touch with myself a bit, the happy submissive and playful side of me. Sadly i have been in one of those places of late.

To make matters worse Owner and i are currently in different countries and i am missing Her terribly. She flew out to Spain on Saturday and i head out to join Her this coming Friday. Neither of us likes being apart from one another.

The positive is that neither of us wants this new 'relaxed' (in terms of my behaviour) state of affairs to continue. We both desire the return of 'normal' me i.e. a submissive, contented, horny and frustrated pet who is regularly tortured and punished by his Owner and who dotes on and serves Her and keeps everything in Her life 'just so' whilst still being good company. Someone focussed on Her and nothing else.

i am trying to get back to that state of mind. It really is the place in which i am at my happiest and most contented, it is just that work and the world seem to conspire against me on a daily basis. But, we must overcome. Better times can still be ahead.

So with that in mind, and with Owners permission even though She is not here to supervise me, i was allowed to still do my monthly outdoor challenge. The dice were rolled and... drumroll please, they showed that i was to do a bra flash outside a train station that is about 15 minutes from where we live. Incidentally, i videoed the dice roll, which was done immediately after I woke up, so Owner could be reassured it was done properly. If you are curious to know what sort of state i look like just after i have rolled out of bed scroll to the very end and you can see the video of me, in my nightie with my bed hair.

But, back to the challenge. It is a warm summers day here in London so i decided to complete my challenge wearing my short denim skirt and a little sleeveless and slightly cropped summer blouse – which sort of reveals my bra a little bit anyway, even i pulled it down to show-off my pretty lace cups.

The result looked like this

As promised, for the curious wanting to know what I look like first thing (and I warn you it is not pretty) this is the dice-roll video i recorded for Owner this morning

20 Years

Owner and i celebrated 20 years since the day we first clapped eyes on each other this weekend. That momentous occasion occurred at Bond Street tube station on the 31 May 2005 when, after a period of conversing online, we met in-person for the first time.

It would then be another 5 months before Owner tired of waiting for me to make a move and so grabbed me and snogged me as i was about to wave Her goodbye at Charing Cross station. What had been a relationship of 'just friends' then quickly became something far closer.

Fast forwards 20 years and we are still very much in love and having fun together and loving each others company. To mark the occasion Owner treated me by taking me out to a concert at the O2 Arena in Greenwich and booking a hotel next to the venue so that we could have a lazy morning the next day. The band we went to see were the amazing Babymetal with support from Poppy and Bambie Thug. It was a wonderful concert and we both had a great time. Here are some pictures from the evening:

The giant space that is the O2 Arena

In rock we trust

Yours truly

The view over the O2 and the River Thames from our hotel window

As an anniversary gift i bought Owner a pair of beautiful (well i think so and She was very happy with them) ear-rings. 

Owner bought me a really pretty new rainbow coloured stainless steel chastity device. However, pretty as it was the device was also very heavy and unfortunately we both quickly concluded that it wasn't going to be a practical option for me. Consequently, i currently continue to remain chastity free.

pretty but much too heavy

Sorry for not having posted much recently. Life, work especially, has been busy and stressful and my 'get up and go' kind of got up and went. Normality will, i hope, return soon.

Out and About

Owner and i are having a quieter day today after spending much of the day yesterday out and about in town. After completing my morning studies, chores and exercises She took me out to Covent Garden to do a spot of shopping and to have lunch together. We went to a lovely Burmese restaurant where Owner ordered a delicious mutton curry for me with coconut rice whilst She ordered tofu nway for Herself. Post-lunch we headed south over the river and walked up to London Bridge then onto Bermondsey where we had drinks in a few different bars before we headed back home.

Crossing over the River Thames

Can you spot me at the bar?

In another bar

Today is a quieter day. This morning i rolled the dice for my monthly challenge (bra flash) which Owner said She would accompany me on. i did my usual studies and exercises then cooked lunch for us both (paprika roasted broccoli, cauliflower, haloumi, pork chippolatas and cashew nuts) before setting off with Owner to be photographed. Not my most daring of challenges but i was wearing a matching bra and knickers!

having a bad hair moment!

Bra flashed we then popped into a local cafe for coffees before returning home.

This afternoon we plan to settle in and watch a movie together.

i am pleased to report that i have been maintaining my new tasks and duties that Owner has set me. She has remarked on more than one occasion how neat and tidy Her wardrobe and drawers now are. However, i did forget to complete one of my weekly tasks, wearing Her used panties over my head whilst working from home, for which i will be punished.

We have a plumber/builder arriving for two days at the start of next week to affect a repair to our shower but hopefully after that life in Owners' flat will be back to normal again.

Stern Words For This Slut

On Sunday, after completing my outdoor challenge (see previous post), Owner took me for a few drinks in a local bar. It was lovely to go out, just the two of us, and spend some time together. Whilst we were there Owner used the occasion to also have a serious word with me. She noted how i had allowed my work-life balance to get out of hand and that it was not acceptable to Her and was also bad for me. She reminded me that She expects, as far as is practically possible, i am to be at home. That my purpose in life is to look after Her, entertain Her, serve and worship Her. 

i am not naturally a 'live to work person' but much more of a 'work to live' one, as are we both. i am, however, lucky in that i derive a lot of satisfaction from my job and have been able to have an influence in the sector i work in. However, as Owner reminded me. She did not choose someone to live with and to have as Her submissive based on what they do or achieve for work. Rather, it was based on my love for and devotion to Her, a love She reciprocates.

Owner made it clear to me that She expects me to get back to being the silly, slutty, submissive wife She desires.

To be completely honest, this is what i want as well. i have written before how my life with Owner fulfills me in ways that my work never could. i love and adore Her and want only to serve Her and submit to Her. i realise that i have allowed things to get out out of hand and that i need to get my life back into balance. Life with Owner should always come first. i have made changes but they will take a few weeks to become apparent due to the nature of speaking etc commitments previously entered into. Hopefully, however, Owner will soon start to notice that i am back home, at Her feet, where i belong and not gallivanting hither and thither giving presentations, lectures etc. 

Meanwhile, i had a wonderful opportunity to demonstrate to Owner that i am still Her naughty, obedient slut. i was tasked by Her with fucking myself with one of the large dildos for Her entertainment and amusement. So, on Tuesday night before i served dinner i found myself down on all fours at Her feet, my winter cleaning smock (the temperature has plummeted here) hitched up around my waist, lubricating my pussy with my spittle before pushing the dildo inside of me. It went in easily, buried balls deep inside my pussy, as i began to rhythmically fuck myself as Owner looked on. Occasionally i paused, withdrew the fake cock, fellated it and lubed it with my mouth before slipping it deep inside me and fucking myself again. This was repeated over and over.

All the while Owner watched, took some pictures and generally observed Her wife prostrate and fuck Herself at Her feet for Her amusement. She permitted me to fuck myself like this for a little over five minutes before calling a halt to proceedings. The whole episode left me feeling wonderfully aroused and deliciously frustrated. i was careful not to allow myself to get too excited and have an accident, it has been almost six months now since my last orgasm. i stopped when instructed, tidied up and then served dinner before continuing with my chores.

'Artistic' black and white image

You can see the original image below and see clearly that i am wearing a sexy combination of hold-up stockings and flip-flops! In my defence i don't currently have any slippers and my flats have fallen apart (and being an upstairs flats heels are out of the question). i also reckon that if people wear crocs as fashionable footwear, when these are essentially footwear designed to wear in hospital theatres, then why not wear stockings and flip-flops :)

Original image

Meanwhile, Owner has really hurt a muscle in Her shoulder and we are trying to get a diagnosis and treatment for Her as it is has left Her in fairly constant pain and discomfort these past few weeks. It also has meant that She has not been able to give Her slutty wife the beating i definitely deserve for having allowed my life with Her and my work to get out of balance.

When Things Turn Upside Down

Many years ago, when still really a child, i had my second and, so it would prove, final attempt at riding a horse. The first attempt had not ended well, the horse trod on my foot. This second time i managed to get on, i even got the horse to move a bit, but then the saddle slipped and i found myself ignominiously inverted. Hanging on upside down until gravity eventually won out and i fell to the ground. i have never attempted to ride a horse since.

The reason i write this is that this past couple of months have felt as little bit like that brief moment when, technically i was riding a horse, just not how you are supposed to. i was suspended upside down rather than sitting on top. i have continued to be Owners submissive, obedient wife and slut, just not how i am supposed to be. Things went awry - just as they did that time on the horse.

In my defence there have been a combination of factors that resulted in my not acting or behaving as i ought to have done, factors we all encounter at times in our life. Work has been extremely busy and stressful for both of us. For me, i allowed it to start to take over my life. i find my job professionally rewarding and it allows me to have, what i believe, is a positive impact on the world. i am, in that regard, quite lucky and privileged. However, as much as i derive satisfaction from it my work is not the thing that brings me greatest pleasure and satisfaction. That comes from serving my Owner to the best of my abilities, pleasing and pleasuring Her and from acting and behaving as the slutty exhibitionist that i am.

Truthfully, i am far happier and more contented getting on with the ironing or mopping the floors than i am being on a stage presenting or lecturing. Much as i physically might dislike it in the moment give me the experience of being bent over and whipped by Owner than receiving praise at work any day. i would far prefer to be on the receiving end of a dressing down from Her than encouraging colleagues in a team meeting. i would much, much prefer being cuddled up with Her than being in any situation work could offer.

However, this past few months has seen work taking over and also taking me away from Owner and taking me from the place i know i should be and the place i really, really love to be. Namely safe at home, serving Her.

Other things also came into play to take away my focus, things such as trying to look after my Dad and help him to see my sister. Concerns about the state of the world and what a shit show it all too often is, made even more so by the election of the orange man-child and his cronies, apologists and sycophants.

But, all these are things i cannot control. i can rage against but i cannot change. What, however, i can change is the thing that is actually the most important part of my life, namely my life with Owner. She deserves to have a better version of me in Her life than the one that turned up these past few months. She deserves a spotless home and to have all Her meals prepared and Her whims catered for. She deserves to know that She has at Her side a loving submissive who can be relied upon at all times to get or fetch whatever She needs and obediently and happily do Her bidding.

She deserves someone who completes the tasks or challenges She sets, who entertains Her and whose time is focused on Her and Her needs. Someone She can grope and fondle at any time of day and who will make their body available to Her. Someone to beat or to fuck, who looks pretty for Her, massages Her, does Her nails and Her hair. A sex toy She can use whenever She so desires just as She can electrocute and shock for Her own pleasure and amusement. A muse She can dress, a maid who cleans, a whore whose mouth, lips and tongue bring Her pleasure. A wife for all Her desires and needs and one who is at home, where She is supposed to be.

These are the things i really value. This is what i want my legacy to be. i need to get my work/life balance back in order. Owner deserves better but doing so will also make me happier and more contented too. i know that.

i appreciate that life can and does sometimes take over. We can't always live exactly as we would like to. But time spent upside down under the horse is time spent to no purpose.  It is high time that i got back into the saddle.

As i write this, Owner is out with friends and i am at home. i have spent time cleaning and have more to do. But i am also happy and content in a way that i have not been for a while. i am looking forward to Her return when, amongst other things She will hopefully read and approve the content of this blog post. i look forward to receiving the message from Her that tells me She is on Her way home, my cue to go and collect Her from the station and to carry Her bag. To hear about Her lunch and Her time spent with Her friends. i look forward to the quiet satisfaction of knowing that, whilst She was away i was not idle, that i cleaned and dusted Her home. To perhaps later being allowed to cuddle up to Her, feel Her hands run through my hair or up my legs. To part my thighs for Her, have Her slap my caged clit. To moan, be led to bed by Her. To worship and taste Her anus with my tongue whilst Her body quivers and spasms as She brings Herself off. To hold Her tight, feeling the contented metronome of Her heartbeat, watching the rise and fall of Her chest. Knowing She has had a good day and that i, as i lie there next to Her, frustrated, aroused and denied, have had an excellent one too.

That is the life i want to return to. The only life that makes me truly happy. The one i hope to live until i die.

Still Here

This is just a quick note to apologise for the lack of recent updates and to reassure that Owner and i are still alive and kicking. As mentioned in my last post we had guests staying with us for a week which, although hugely enjoyable, cast us back into a temporarily enforced vanilla-style relationship. 

Owner and i are not a couple who entertain much/at all at home. Consequently, it was a bit of a shock to the system having guests (Owner's sister and her boyfriend) living with us in our little flat for seven days. We had to clear lots of things up into the loft in preparation for their arrival and it meant we also needed to adjust things between us whilst they were here. i still carried on doing my chores and housework etc but on a much reduced level, largely because we were out quite a bit.

Despite the disruption it was a really nice having them stay with us. i had to work a few days whilst they were here but for the most part we got to be tourists in our home city. It is amazing that, after nearly 25 years living in London, there are still secret places to discover in the city, even in its very heart. We also had a fun day out to Cambridge with them.

Me in vanilla mode

St. Katherine's docks

The Sky Garden inside the 'walkie talkie' building aka the Fenchurch Building

A backstreet in Knightsbridge

Chiswick house gardens

Skyscrapers behind the 'walkie talkie' building

Tower of London

London Bridge

Cardinal's wharf near The Globe theatre

The day they left we took them to the airport and then, upon our return home, Owner and i just dropped and enjoyed the silence and the experience of having our flat to ourselves. The next week then proved super busy work-wise and also very stressful. My team at work is being forcibly restructured and i also had multiple events i was presenting at. Owner is changing jobs and was feverishly trying to close down and hand things on whilst readying Herself for Her new role. As a consequence, we failed to really get back into the swing of things.

We agreed to put the outdoor challenge and dice roll on hold, in part because half of my wardrobe is still in the loft and also just because, well a bit of mental exhaustion i guess. i am still in chastity and back to wearing make-up and my usual attire but not all of the housework was completed and we ended up spending all of yesterday either asleep, staring blankly into space or watching TV together (the last of the X horror tryptic Maxxine, followed by the latest season of The Circle).

Fast asleep

 Today (Sunday) finds us both still feeling exhausted but i will at least try and catch-up on some of the chores that never got completed last week. We recognise that our tiredness is, in large part, due to stress, stress that is unlikely to dissipate much next week. Owner starts Her new job on Monday and i have another really busy week ahead at work, replete with further presentations, difficult conversations etc.

We will, however, get back to where we were. Life sometimes intrudes like this, something i imagine everyone living this lifestyle is familiar with.

To those who have emailed asking if we are ok, thank you. You getting in touch means a lot. Hopefully i will be back posting on a regular basis again shortly. In the meantime, bear with me whilst we re-boot.

The Great Conceal

One of the things that you would immediately notice were you to suddenly come and drop by and visit Owner and i at our home would be that clues to our lifestyle would be all around you. Everywhere you turn there are things that reflect our FLR relationship. From the collection of whips, canes, floggers etc stored as one might umbrellas, in two containers in the lounge; to the floggers, clamps, gags and Femdom imagery in Owners bedroom; the dog bowl i eat all my meals from in the kitchen and the collapsible dog cage; the collection of old chastity cages; a wardrobe full of my feminine clothes. Not to mention the photos and calendars on display with images of me in various stages of undress, the queening stool, the ropes, the fridge calendar that reminds me of the punishments etc i am due that week....i could go on.

Owner and i rarely entertain guests, we also have no children and so we never feel the need to conceal. If someone comes to do some electrical work, read the meters etc we make no real effort to hide our things. After all, they don't know us and we don't know them. Living like this year after year means that Owner and i also find it weirdly difficult to identify objects or things we have on display that others may not find 'normal'. We have become so used to them we no longer actually notice their more 'interesting' nature. To us they are quite normal, everyday items.

i say all this because this coming Friday Owners sister and her boyfriend are coming over from Spain to spend a week with us. Her sister has been to London before, staying with us at our previous flat, but her boyfriend has never been to the UK. Whilst her sister probably does have a slight inkling about some aspects of our relationship (she has in the past accidentally seen images of me that were definitely not intended for her eyes) she would, i am sure, be shocked by its full nature. Owner has no intention of revealing it to her and so we have spent a number of happy hours merrily taking down and transporting as many clues to our lifestyle as we can and putting them temporarily up into the loft. Mind you, this has provided Owner with some opportunities to take some gratuitous up-skirt photos of me as i ascended and descended the ladder to the loft.

me in the process of putting things into the loft

Pictures have also been replaced with more family friendly artworks.

For those couples living this lifestyle with children at home, or who regularly entertain vanilla friends, i can only imagine the rigmarole that must be involved constantly getting things out and then hiding them away. i for one am already looking forward to having Owners flat back to normal and our guests have not even arrived yet!

Owner and i are heading out tonight for dinner followed by a dance/martial arts performance at Saddlers Wells, which will probably be our last evening out as a couple until after her sister has left. That said, it will be fun to use the excuse of their stay to be tourists in our home city as we show them the sights and sounds of the big smoke.