On Punishments and Consequences

Owner has a number of principles that inform Her approach to Her domination and control over me. One of these is that Her time is important to Her and that She expects Her control over me to help free up time for Her to spend how She likes, not add additional demands on Her time. To that end She looks for ways to increase and maintain Her control over me which do not require significant additional effort on Her part. In many sub/Dom relationships the dominant partner can often spend a lot of time focused on the desires of their sub. This can be time the dominant enjoys spending and Owner enjoys times like this too. However, She also expects my serving Her should free up time for Herself and not create additional burdens for Her.

One way this manifests itself is in the use of the dice for deciding punishments or challenges etc that i need to undertake. Once Owner has come up with an initial set of ideas to load the dice with She can then relax and let chance decide what i will need to do rather than Her having to think of something all the time. Periodically, the dice are updated and loaded with new instructions of Her devising but they are essentially a sort of time and labour saving device that provide me with the discipline, consequences or challenges that i need and crave whilst ensuring Owner gets to spend as much time as She likes doing other things.

Another principle that informs Owner's approach is that a 24/7 Femdom life needs to be practical and fun.She is not a sadist nor i a masochist. She will inflict pain and discomfort but does not seek to 'break' me, though whether She perhaps should is another matter (i write rather nervously knowing that Owner will review this post before it is published). Owner also likes to keep things light-hearted and fun. We do not do 'sessions', we live and act as we do 24/7 and i don't think either of us could sustain for very long a very hardcore and intense Dom/sub relationship. Though i submit completely to Owner and She controls pretty much all aspects of my life outside of work i am not Her slave and neither has She ever asked me to become her slave. She teases me that i am fluffy and could not handle life as a real slave but i equally think it is not what She would ever want Herself either. She absolutely is in control but that control is not enforced with an iron rod.

So time-saving (for Owner) and fun are both important facets of our relationship and these tend to be reflected in the ways that Owner exercises Her control over me. If Owner is annoyed with an aspect of my behaviour She will make Her feelings quite clear verbally and admonish me, only rarely will She actually physically punish me. In the meantime, the dice are used to keep me on my toes, break down some of my remaining inhibitions, practice my skills, increase my pain tolerance and discourage me from working away from home as much as possible.

With that in mind, here are some examples of more recent dice-determined things i have had to do recently

eating my dinner whilst blindfolded - incidentally i eat all my meals from this dog bowl

washing-up naked except for a pair of hold-ups and my furry butt-plug

The video below shows me self-administering one of the more 'uncomfortable' dice punishments - beating my 'plums' with Owner's favourite leather paddle

Owner Catches Up

With Owner not having been very well and then having the stress of interviews i had fallen behind in receiving some of the punishments i had accrued. i was due a number of outstanding punishments as a consequence of having gone into the office a few times this past week rather than working from home as Owner expects. Today was an opportunity to catch-up on a few of these punishments.

As usual for such punishments the precise nature had been determined by the roll of Owners' 'office working dice'. i had accrued two sets of 100 spankings from Owner's favourite leather paddle - nicknamed 'gatuno' as it is cat shaped. The third punishment consisted of being tied up whilst watching a TV episode with Owner.

Owner started the day with the tying-up punishment. Here i am early in the morning tied-up on the sofa in my nightie, dressing-gown and slippers.

 The day ended with me receiving 200 spanks on my bottom from Owner's favourite leather paddle.

There are two further such working away from home punishments still to catch-up with. One is cooking wearing just stockings and my furry-tailed butt plug and the second is eating dinner blind-folded. i will be completing both tomorrow.

A Good Week

This has been that rarest of things, an unequivocally good week. Our Prime Minister was rightly found to have broken the law by the Supreme Court (and let's just take a moment to admire the wonderful Lady Hale, president of that court). And impeachment proceedings have kicked off against US President Trump.

The past few years have, in many ways, been quite shit, but this as definitely been a good week. To add to the mood of general celebration Owner has also got a new job. She has not liked Her current job and these past few years have been a struggle for Her. A combination of physical ailments and hormonal changes (it's that time of life for us both) have all too often left her quite low and doubting Her own abilities.

This the offer of a new (and very good) job is a welcome development.

Today we headed out to a theatre and then for some drinks. It was wonderful to be able to just spend some time together. It has been a good week.

in the pub with Owner

Full Term...And Beyond

We have just marked a bit of a milestone, it has now been over nine months since i last had an orgasm. It is not that i have not enjoyed any moments of sexual pleasure in that time, quite the opposite.  i have had the privilege of being able to feast on Owners' delicious derrier. i have been smothered by Her as She has ridden my face to orgasm. She has ground Herself against my body as She has brought Herself off. i have eagerly sucked Her vibrator clean after it was slick with Her juices. i have worshipped Her breasts and fellated Her 'cock'. She has fucked me with Her strapon and my swollen 'plums' have been spanked and slapped until they throbbed hard...for hours, sometimes days. However, not once have i been allowed to cum. Instead i have been granted the opportunity to experience the delirium of desire that comes from being kept denied for days upon days, month after month. And i am extremely grateful.

Owner has always been clear. My body is there for Her pleasure alone. Sex will only ever be initiated by Her and will always be on Her terms. My role is to please and pleasure Her whenever She should desire that i do so. In the past though She used to let me cum, it was always on Her terms.

However, the number and frequency of my orgasms has declined over time as Her expectations grew that my role was to pleasure Her.  Orgasms when they came were always combined with pain and came tinged with disappointment. Those orgasms i was permitted were mostly beaten out of me, they were achieved through Owner spanking my testes... hard. Orgasm via the sweet ecstasy of pain. They were amazing. Until meeting Owner i never knew you could cum that way or quite how fucking good to be beaten that way feels. i loved how the pain and discomfort, intense at first as my balls were struck hard, morphed into the most exquisite pleasure. But whereas now Owner will stop before the rush of an orgasm overtakes me and i am pleading to be allowed to cum, then She would let me explode.

But that instant of release from an orgasm that had just been, quite literally, beaten out of me was always tinged with dissappointment because in truth the longer the gap between orgasms, the longer i was kept in denial, the more i came to relish that denied state. Post-orgasm i felt flat. Gone were the raging torrents of desire that filled my thoughts each hour of the day and lifted me ever higher the longer i was kept denied. Gone was the longing, the high peaks of yearning, the rushing, tumbling, turbulent streams of denial.  After the transient pleasure of release the landscape lay flat and featureless. Then time would pass and the emotional scenery would start to change as my frustration and yearning once agan kicked and i would once more enter the foothills of extended denial.

Nine months in and i am back high amongst the mountains. i would love to cum but i crave the intensity of denial even more. It is a strange feeling. But here, amidst the wilderness i have no wish to return to the valley below. i wish nothing more than the opportunity to continue to pleasure my Owner whenever She so desires, to revel in the taste and scent of Her. To bring Her pleasure whilst experiencing the wonder of denial. As someone once said, 'it is not about the destination but the glory of the ride' and the ride is sublime. i don't know how long Owner will leave me up in the mountains of denial, indeed whether She will ever again lead me back down. But it is a state i have come to love.

In the meantime, Owner and i went out for lunch today in Dulwich. As you can see from the picture below we had quite the feast! i am so lucky to have met Her and to be able to spend my life with Her. She treats me in so wonderful many ways

Fucked by Owner

After breakfast this morning Owner said to me that She would like to take me back to bed to 'explore my body'. What followed next was wonderful. Owner strapped Herself into Her new dildo and then had me fellate Her 'cock' to demonstrate the skills i have been practising the past few months. Then She lay on Her side and presented Her delicious backside to me for me to lick whilst She pleasured Herself to an orgasm with the strap-on bullet vibe. i absolutely adore having my tongue inside Owners arse and it was wonderful to feel Her sphincter muscles contract and quiver around my tongue as She came.

Next, Owner had me position myself on all fours and, after first spanking my chastised clitty and my 'tight little plums', She then lubed my 'pussy' and began to play with it with Her fingers. She caressed its entrance and then inserted Her fingers as i moaned contentedly like the greedy whore i am. Owner remarked how big, wet and welcoming my pussy was before positioning Herself behind me and sinking Her 'cock' into me. She switched on the bullet vibe positioned in the gusset of the strap-on to pleasure Herself and then instructed me to fuck myself on Her dildo 'like a whore'. i needed no further encouragement and began to ride Her phallus, delighting in the sensation of Her cock sliding in and out of me, pushing down on it as far as i could with each thrust of my hips as Owner focused on the pleasure the vibe was providing Her.

After fucking myself on Her cock for a few minutes the embedded bullet vibe purring against Her clit brought Owner to another climax and She withdrew, leaving me wet and aching for more. We lay snuggled contentedly on the bed as i revelled in the sensation of intense frustrated desire as my caged clit throbbed and my whole body tingled.

It was a wonderful way to start the day. My orgasm drought continues but i feel absolutely wonderful!

Shetland Islands Getaway

Greetings from the Shetland Isles! Owner and i are currently enjoying our summer (late) holidays here. The landscape and scenery of the islands is stunning and we have been having great fun exploring the dramatic coastline and visiting some of the outlying islands off the mainland (including the tiny island of Fair Isle which has been on my bucket list of places to visit for as long as i can remember).

Last night the remnants of hurricane Dorian blew through the island (which can be very windy any way at the best of times) so today we are having a relaxing start to the day waiting for the winds to ease off a little. We are staying in a little old croft in the middle of the mainland just a few hundred meters from the sea. It is a lovely spot surrounded by lots of sheep and the odd Shetland pony or two.

Owner has been spoiling me rotten whilst we have been here. She has been doing much of the cooking (i normally do it all) and has let me have some ice cream and even let me have a bottle beer the other night. In return i have been chauffeuring Her around in our hire car.

Owner also took some naughty pictures of me out and about in the Shetland landscape. The first three pictures are taken on the Eastern coast of the mainland

i do not recommend crossing moorland in heels!

ship ahoy!

The next three pictures were taken on the most northerly inhabited island of the UK - Unst

trekking the coastline

have backpack will travel

much more appropriate jacket and footwear!

As i said some of the landscape in the Shetland Isles is truly stunning.  Here is a short selection of some images from our travels so far

Our transport to Fair Isle

stunning beaches

Mousa Broch - a structure that is at least 2,000 years old!

plenty of these about

and friendly seals follow your every move 

Owner leads the way

Coastal cliffs

Being on holiday does not, however, mean being free from the dice. Today is the 11th which regular readers will know that it gets rolled on the 11th day of each month to see whether or not i will be released from chastity for a short period. It was rolled again this morning after breakfast. And the result? i will be staying in chastity for at least another 2 months. Meanwhile, i also continue to be kept in a state of long-term orgasm denial. It is now over 260 days since my last orgasm - last year i was kept in denial for a nine month period, i am now close to equalling that and i hope to be kept this way for a lot longer still.

Roll With It

Owner and i are counting down to our summer holidays (we head off as everyone else gets back!). To be honest both of us cannot wait to go and are looking forward to spending time exploring the Shetland Isles off the North Coast of Scotland. We also, of course, may find time for some fun and naughtiness whilst we are away. i have packed my transparent plastic raincoat just in case there are any suitable photo opportunities :)

The last weekend was a bank holiday in the UK and Owner and i spent time visiting a few exhibitions and going to the cinema to escape the heatwave we experienced.  We watched the new Pedro Almodovar film, Pain and Glory which is simply wonderful. We also spent one evening sitting in a pub on the banks of the Thames admiring a beautiful sunset. Owner allowed me to have a few glasses of cider (my favourite) too, it was wonderful.

i have also had a few challenges to complete as i have been working from home all of this past week. Todays' was a fun outdoor one, to take a picture of me wearing my bra in a local park. You can see how i got on below

preparing to head out

on route

 

ta da!

 

just casually walking about with my bra on show

Earlier in the week i also had to spend some time at home fucking myself with one of Owners' favourite dildo's. Hear i am about to impale myself on it

Locked away in my Happygo Super Small cage

Meanwhile, as i write this the UK heads into an even deeper political crisis. Let's hope i don't have to one day do a blog entitled the day poppet took to the streets!

In happier news, this Friday will mark the 250th day since i last had an orgasm. Ever since late December 2018 i have been kept completely denied spending much, but not all, of that time locked in chastity. i never could have imagined ever saying this but i am deeply thankful to Owner for having kept me this way. It is, oddly, very thrilling and arousing and i am extremely grateful.

Owner Has Control

'What are you doing looking at that?' Owner remarked casually this morning as i was studying a particularly pretty sheer, lace, boned corset on Pinterest. 'Go and make me a coffee'. It was an everyday example of how Owner can and does control me and what She expects of me, to stop something immediately and get something for Her that She might need. It was an unremarkable event in its own right but it did give me the idea for this blog entry. Namely, control and the level of control Owner has come to exercise over me.

Take a recent night out at a restaurant for example. The waiter came over and presented us both with the menu. i looked at it but did so knowing full well that my actions were completely pointless, the waiter might just as well have handed a single menu to Owner. When we go out She chooses what i will eat and, more recently, what i will drink. Again, another example of the level of control She now wields over my life.

Or take yesterday. i received an email from one of (in my view) the best retailers specialising in bras for small breasts - a shop called Little Women. The email was promoting a flash Bank Holiday sale and they had a lovely bra in my size (38AA). i asked Owner if i might purchase it to which She replied that 'No' i might not and reminded me that i already had a number of bras (which is true). Again, another example of Her control. i am not permitted to purchase any clothes of any sort without Her expression permission.

When we first started our FLR/Femdom journey all those years ago i used to spend hours browsing blogs and forums or reading books looking for examples of how subs submitted to their Dommes and how, in Femdom relationships they had handed over control to their partner. There were quite a few examples but most centred on sex and had much less to say about day to day control and that was what i was really interested in. We live a 24/7 lifestyle 365 days a year. Ours is not a relationship that comprises of a few 'scenes' or 'play' episodes and then carries on as 'normal'. We live as we do with Owner in complete control every hour of everyday. That is not to say that there are not moments when, say for reasons of health or unexpected circumstance, i need to do something or decide on something that would normally be left to Owner. But these are the exceptional moments, not the rule.

Equally, Owner does not govern our relationship like some over-bearing dictator. Like any couple we discuss many things it's just that when it comes down to the decision, She decides. Owner regularly consults meabout things and equally it is sometimes me that puts forward an idea for Her to consider. Ultimately, however, the decision is Hers.

Neither did we get to where we are overnight. Owners' control of my life has been a gradual process which has taken many years to develop and strengthen. Some areas have not been easy and it has taken quite a while to mentally adjust (on my part) but all, i repeat, all are 100% consensual. There is a real danger in any relationship (not simply one where one partner is the Dominant one) for a relationship to become abusive. That is not what we are about and is not what any relationship should be about. That is abuse, plain and simple and should always be regarded as such. However, it is possible to develop a completely consensual relationship where one partner is in full control of the other and where the other willingly submits to that control, indeed relishes it.

i believe our relationship is one that has got close to achieving an almost total level of control, domination and submission that is practicable and manageable on a 24/7 and 365 days a year basis. There are still further ways it could deepen, but as i said, ours is a journey and we still (hopefully) have many, many years of life ahead of us to strengthen our bond further.

So, what does 'control and submission' look like in or relationship?

Finance 

• Owner controls this. My salary is paid direct into a joint account we have. From that i am then given a monthly £100 allowance for sundry expenses i.e. coffees etc. i may use the joint account to pay for groceries, and other shared items. Outside this i am  not permitted to make independent purchases
• i do have my own separate savings which i still make monthly payments into

Clothing, Meals and Drinks 

• Owner controls all aspects of this. 
• i am not permitted to buy clothes that She has not approved the purchase of nor may i wear anything She does not approve of
• When eating out Owner decides what i will eat and drink

Our Flat

• Owner determines how this is decorated and how it 'looks' and how it is to be maintained and cleaned
• i no longer have any possessions in the flat. Everything that was once 'mine' has been disposed of except one or two sentimental items

Travel/Holidays and Other 'Big Ticket' Items i.e. New Bathroom/Kitchen 

• Owner decides where and when we are going and whether and what new large expenditure is needed

Social Media

• Owner restricts my use of Facebook - i am permitted to post a maximum of 2 posts a week which She must approve of
• Owner edits and vets all of my blog entries

Developments Goals

• Owner sets development goals for me for areas in which i need to improve or skills i need to learn. For example, in the past i have been sent on courses to learn massage techniques, pedicures, flower arranging, sewing and jewellery making amongst others (i have certificates in a number of these!)

Sex

• i am not permitted to make any sexual advances to Owner - only She may initiate sex.
• my body is to be used for Owners' pleasure only
• i am not allowed to orgasm unless permitted 

My Body 

• Owner designs the tattoos that i have which symbolise aspects of our relationship
• Owner encourages me to maintain my body to ensure it remains attractive to Her
• Owner decides how i 'look' and what i may and may not do to 'change' how i look

In return for the above it is expected that i will undertake all of the following:

Housework

• i am responsible for preparing all meals (breakfast, lunch and dinner) - including Owners' lunch for work and washing-up afterwards
• i a responsible for cleaning the flat and have a daily 'rota' of tasks
• i do all the laundry and the ironing
• i am responsible for maintaining the outside of the flat, putting out the bins and looking after the plants
• i am responsible for ensuring the cupboards/fridge are stocked and that expired foods are disposed of
• i am responsible for looking after our pet fish [EDIT by Owner - like that is a massive chore!]

Act as Owners' Assistant 

• i am encouraged to be Owners' PA - to make bookings for events etc She would like to see and check arrangements
• i escort Owner to and from the station when She goes to and returns from work (the latter only if i am working from home)
• i carry Owner's bags
• i am responsible for ensuring Owners' mobile is charged overnight
• i am Her hairdresser
• i am responsible for providing massages/pedicures etc on request
• i am responsible Her work bag is packed with the items needed that day 
• i am responsible for checking that Her trains are running on time and checking the weather forecast so She knows what to wear

My Appearance and Behaviour

• Owner expects me to look pretty for Her. She permits and encourages my feminisation albeit within certain limits 
• Owner expects me to behave like a slut when requested but also to look elegant at times
• Owner expects me to do whatever i am told

So this is how we currently function as a couple, with Owner very much in control of nearly all aspects of my life outside of work.


It would be really interesting to hear how other couples in similar relationships have developed and what areas and to what extent one exercises control over the other.

A Little Outdoor Challenge

Today i was required to complete a little outdoor challenge. This time the roll of Owners' dice determined that i was to complete one that the dice has not thrown-up before, namely to take a photo of me wearing my cat ears headband in a specific street near where we live.

The street itself is about a 5-10 minute walk from our flat. i completed the challenge wearing the 'workign from home' outfit that i was wearing that day which consisted of nude hold-ups, cream bra and knickers, cream blouse and black skirt with tan shoes. It was a lovely day and t was a fun challenge to do. You can see how i got on in the photos below. What you cannot see is that immediately to my right where i am stood next to the road sign (evidence for Owner that i had indeed taken the photo in the street specified) there were some builders working who seemed a little bemused as to quite what i was up to.

Anyway the images below are from the challenge

wearing my cat ear headband - challenge completed

about to set-off

on route

heading back

It was a lovely and fun little challenge to do and a wonderful opportunity to wear my home working office outfit outside as well. Owner was very happy with the results when i sent Her the photographic proof

Why i Wear What i Do

In a comment on one of my recent blog articles Evy asked:

Do you always wear fem clothes including underwear?
And what is for you the reason to wear them.

They are good questions which i seek to answer below.

Taking the first question, do i always wear fem clothes including underwear? The answer is that 99% of the time, yes i always wear fem clothes and 100% of the time i always wear fem underwear. Any clothes that i am permitted to purchase (and i am not allowed to purchase anything not agreed to by Her) or which Owner buys for me are always feminine clothes, without exception. What that means in practice is that all my clothes are always purchased from women's stores or from the women's section of a store i.e. my jeans, blouses, work blazers, shoes, coats, etc, etc are all women's. All of my old 'male' clothes were gradually discarded. The only male items of clothing i possess are some t-shirts and a couple of long-sleeve tops which only ever get worn when we visit Owners' family in Spain. They are not worn on any other occasion. Everything i wear at work or when visiting my own family or seeing friends etc is a women's item of clothing. 

None of my underwear is male. i did for a while retain one pair of boxer shorts for use when going to the doctor but even that has now been discarded. Not all of my knickers are sexy lacy affairs, some are quite plain and perfectly OK to wear for a medical exam. i normally always wear a padded bra at home and when Owner and i are going out at the weekend. At work i wear non-padded ones except if i am wearing one of my short-sleeve blouses which is slightly sheer. My ambition is to wear padded bras to work too.

So normal is it for me to wear women's clothing that i know exactly what sizes i am for which items. If interested i am wear UK size 8 shoes, wear UK size 10 /12 trousers, UK size 10 knickers, UK size 12/14 tops and wear size 38AA bras.

So, why do i wear women's clothing? When Owner first met me i did not - in fact She used to take the piss out of me for having such a drab boring wardrobe (think browns and grey) and that i only possessed about two pairs of shoes. Clothes were of no real interest to me and didn't bring me any particular pleasure. Before i knew Her i would sometimes wear women's knickers in secret but only occasionally. As a teenager i had dressed in my mum's clothes (with her knowledge) once or twice for fancy dress parties but that was that. In short it wasn't that Owner had met an active cross-dresser when She and i first met.

So what happened? Not long after we started dating i confessed in writing to Owner my desire to submit to Her and, to my eternal delight, She agreed. Neither of us had much idea what this might mean in practice and so we spent a lot of time trying different ideas and seeking others advice. One such person was a wonderful woman called Mistress 160 who was an active blogger at the time (and with whom we are still in touch yet have still never met - she lives on a different continent to us). Anyway, Mistress 160 was quite active on a fetish site Owner and i joined and she ran a forced feminisation group. Knowing by then that i did occasionally wear lingerie in secret Owner thought that this could be a good group for us to join. Over a period of time some outfits were purchased for me to be 'forced' to wear and her photograph and send to the group.

Unbeknownst to us both at the time, however, was that we had stumbled across and tapped straight into a deep-seated but essentially hidden (including to myself) desire on my part to be feminised. The clues were there but even so even i was surprised how quickly the change from 'forced' to 'willing' feminisation occurred. i was really shy and often quite embarrassed at first and would be pushed to do things, such as walk around Trafalgar Square wearing a basque or walk across Waterloo Bridge in heels. However, my initial fears soon subsided and being en femme started to become more and more normal. i began to wear bras and make-up and even started to go en femme to work. i realised two things very quickly.

First, for the first time in my life i liked what i looked like. These days i literally don't go out without make-up on and if for some reason i am not wearing any as far as i am concerned i no longer look like me and i don't like what i see. Equally, i love wearing women's clothing and though that more often involves tight jeans than skirts i love opportunities to wear the latter. i still get butterflies wearing skirts in public but if instructed to do so i do without hesitation. i really like how i look when dressed en femme and though i realise that sounds a very vain thing to say it is the truth. i never used to like what i looked like so now actually liking how i looked was quite novel for me.

The second revelation was discovering that the sky did not fall in if i dressed en femme. Living in London (or any liberal city) probably helps but i have worm make-up and women's clothes in many parts of Europe and Canada and the USA now and have never once had any issues. i obviously get the odd glance but it is rare that anyone will ever say anything. Nobody says anything at work nor has it affected my ability to present at conferences or workshops etc. i wear make-up, a blazer, blouse, bra, knickers and trousers and a pair of women's brogues and nobody either a) notices or b) cares.

In the early days Owner used my newly discovered enthusiasm for all things feminise against me as a form of punishment when required. She would deny me permission to wear certain items, force me to throw some it away for bad behaviour or prevent me from wearing make-up for a fixed period. These were hard but effective lessons.

Today my feminisation is an integral part of who i am. i don't think i could ever go back to how i was before and would not  willingly want to. For Her part Owner has been incredible. She met a vanilla man and ended up, quite literally, marrying a wife. At our wedding in Vegas i wore a pink dress with matching heels She had chosen for me and She wore a dark blue trouser suit with a blouse and bow tie.

Owner, however, is the ultimate arbiter of how far my feminisation goes. She decides what clothes i am permitted to buy and decides what might be appropriate for me to wear or not. She has grown accustomed to seeing me in make-up and women's clothes and regularly comments and compliments me on looking 'pretty'. However, Owner does not find the female body physically attractive nor does She like feminine smells and so would not permit me to ever physically alter my appearance (develop breasts for example) or wear perfume. i confess to fantasising about such things but fantasies they will remain. But i am incredibly lucky and fortunate to have met someone who has been so supportive of and embraced what was a rather unexpected journey on my part. i for one have never been happier than i am as a person now and love Owner even more for helping me reach such a point.

So there you have it, that is why i dress as i do. i adore it and Owner allows and encourages it.
 
i leave you with a picture of my 'dress down Friday home working outfit' taken today